Episode Report Card
Erin: D+ | Grade It Now!
Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
Regina: Who cares?
Wendy Kroy: Who needs another drink?
Regina: Who needs a good spanking?

Oh, but there's more. So much more. There's something about Sark and some dude named Oransky…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oops. Sorry. Nodded off there for a second. Oransky dude brought down his own satellite, and he and Sark discussed meeting to move on to Phase Two. Zzzzzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Man. Now I know why I drink through these things. Or are they usually this boring and I'm just too drunk to know it?

Dix says something about trailing Sark to Mexico City. Wait. Wasn't Sark just IN Mexico City? Didn't he just, like, escape from there to some secret Covenant hideout? Oh, fuckity fuck it. Oh, and once again, if you find language like that offensive, well, I'm really fucking sorry.

Syd pipes up that, even though there's already a team in place to surveil Sark in Mexico, she'd like to go along for the ride if the plan is to nab Sark. Yeah, Syd. That makes sense. He wouldn't RECOGNIZE you or anything, now would he? Jesus. Worst. Spy. Ever. Dix states that they're not going to nab Sark. Syd's all, the what? Mrs. Elephant's all, I HAVE THE WORST ACCENT IN THE WORLD. Oh, and the NSC believes we can learn more from Sark by tracking his movements. Syd's all, YEAH, YOUR ACCENT SUCKS. AND YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND. Oh, and your whole "let's not nab Sark" idea is fine in theory. But I still hate you. And your eyebrows. Mrs. Elephant's like, oh, sure, like YOUR brows are any better. And what's up with the blue eyeshadow, PRINCESS DISCO?

We continue in this fashion for what feels like an ETERNITY, Syd going SQUEEE! SCREE! SNOOOT! at Mrs. Elephant, and Mrs. Elephant lobbing it right back at her with a NNNNERT! and a TWEEEE! and a FRRRRUUUNNN! Ostensibly, they're arguing about whether or not it's a good idea to go after Sark, but really, Sydney's just being a snitty bitch and Mrs. Elephant's just being an uppity bimbo. There's more screeching and blatting going on during this moment than has ever been heard in the howler monkey cage at the Lincoln Park Zoo.

The PMS Sparring Match comes to an official end when Michael "Who's Your Daddy Now" Vaughn shouts out, "All right, ENOUGH." Okay. I get that Syd and Mrs. Elephant don't dig each other's chili right about now. GET IT. But this scene just puts both the characters in a bad light. Syd comes off as unprofessional and winds up resembling a harpy with a good boob job, and Mrs. Elephant just ends up appearing officious and overly procedural, as well as a kind of British version of Hillary Clinton.

Captain Forehead blah blahs something about how capturing Sark, while putting a smile on his face, won't bring an end to the Covenant. Syd and Mrs. Elephant look properly chastised. Dix closes the meeting by telling Weiss and Syd that they're leaving for Mexico City in an hour. The group scatters, and Mrs. Elephant snits and swivels her shapely little butt down one of the hallways. Captain Forehead follows. She's all, "I HATE HER!" Oh, THAT'S mature. I'm surprised she didn't follow it up with, "She ate all my Froot Loops and then took my prize! She's such a meany!" I mean, what, she couldn't say something like, "Your ex-girlfriend's an irrational and unprofessional brat and I'd appreciate, in the future, not having to be the victim of her venomous tirades. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a donut in the cafeteria that has my name on it. No, we will NOT discuss this here. We'll discuss it at home, in bed, where ALL arguments about ex-girlfriends should be taken. Good day, sir." That, at least, would be less annoying than, "I hate her!"

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