Alias
So It Begins

Episode Report Card
Manimal: D+ | 1 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
Been Around The World (tm Lisa Stansfield)

Previously: Sydney's voice-over tells us that she works for SD-6, a covert branch of what she was told was the CIA. She was trained as a spy, and "I thought I was working for the good guys," until she told her fiancé about SD-6, and they had him killed. There's a montage. Several scenes are from last week's episode, but there are tons of clips from the upcoming show and other episodes that we haven't seen yet. Right now I am prayin' to St. Clare that they are not going to show this long-ass, boring "previously" before every show, because I don't think I can take it. Oh yeah, and by the way? SD-6 is part of the enemy that Sydney thought she was fighting! And the only other double-agent at SD-6 is her dad! And now...she's a double-agent working with the real CIA to bring them down! (Cue "Oriental" gong noise.) Also, Jennifer Garner's voice sounds flatter than Nicky Hilton's chest.

The Heartbeat Of A Secret Agent, brought to you by Generic Techno Music. Sydney runs down a hall wearing all black and a long black wig. Okay -- I know that television is all about pretty, pretty people doing pretty, pretty things, but wouldn't someone who does as much rough-and-tumble stuff as Sydney does have to have shorter hair? I mean, considering all the wigs she wears, not to mention the running, the jumping, and the bad-guy grappling, it would seem ridiculous to have to hassle with long hair. Anyway, the scene starts in slo-mo and then speeds up. Two guys are chasing her in a hotel. They shout in what sounds like an Eastern European language, but apparently she's in Paris.

They chase Sydney into an elevator and start shooting. The doors close and it starts rising; Sydney climbs out the top as the bad guys race up the stairs. How do the bad guys know where it's going to stop? Sydney loads a gun. This scene looks fake. You can almost see the green screen behind Jennifer Garner. More hallway-running, chasing, chance encounter, fighting. Sydney runs out into the street, and a limo pulls up beside her. The Eiffel Tower is in the background. She gets in and tosses a white plastic box to a sleazy older-looking gentleman sitting opposite her.

The Disjointed Narrative Of Pointlessness. We're back in the CIA, and Sydney is telling Vaughn the story we just saw. She tells him, in her flat, bizarre, dead-sounding voice, that that was three years ago, and the man in the car was Leonard Dreyfuss, who bankrolls SD-6 operations. She says he's "hands-on," not just in his business, but that he's also a slime otherwise. She tells him that Sloane relies on him and he has crews everywhere, including Memphis, Egypt.

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Alias

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