Alias
Succession

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Sharon! This episode sucked!

Previously on Alias: Sydney went ballistic on a cardboard cutout of Vaughn, Sark apparently got beaten up by a non-cardboard cutout of Vaughn (the hell? What are we, in "The Telling" all of a sudden?), and Spy Daddy shared a little home movie with his daughter. Unfortunately, the subject matter consisted of Sydney slicing some old dude's throat. Not pretty.

Berlin. Two German dudes are walking through the halls at Leizig Aerospace Headquarters. Yeah. As far as I know, it don't exist. Of course, I Googled it. Shut. Up. Anyways, the German dudes chatter at each other in German. No, it's not captioned. But, according to one of the faithful posters, one of the dudes is bitching about his fiancé or something. Heh. Even in Germany, marriage sucks.

Right, so, the German dudes enter an elevator, and then this janitor they passed, who is SO not a janitor, tells someone somewhere that the two German dudes are in the elevator. Blah blah German blah, some Russian dudes set a bomb or something. It goes off. The German dudes shriek their panties off, and I think one of them wets himself as the elevator drops like a two-ton drunken drag queen at Mardi Gras. Then, just as quickly, the elevator gets cranked to the top of the shaft (hee!) and explodes out (hee again!), revealing that it's been hooked up to a crane that's attached to a 'copter. It flies off into the night sky. Okay, yeah, so that was pretty damn cool.

Hell-Lay. Spy Daddy and Spy Barbie are enjoying a little quality time. Unfortunately for Sydney, Spy Daddy's idea of "quality time" involves hooking her up to a machine in order to determine if she's still under the influence of any brainwashing techniques. He seems to think that certain torture methods may have caused her to lose her memory. Syd's all, daddy? I slit that guy's throat. He was unarmed. Don't you think that's a little, well, mean of me? Jack's all, uh, maybe he was a really bad man or something. Maybe he deserved it.

Syd's all, Daddy, I know you don't want the CIA to get their hands on that tape of me offing that old dude, but, like -- Jack just cuts her off and is all, seriously? You go to the CIA with this and they will toss you in jail, and I won't be able to use you to find out just what the hell happened to you during those two years. Or something like that. Syd's all, I don't trust myself right now, Dad. Jack's all, oh, well, that's too bad. Because I do trust you. And I'm gonna keep looking into this Lazarey dude.

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Alias

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