Alias
Succession

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Erin: C- | Grade It Now!
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Sharon! This episode sucked!

Jack goes on to say that, while Syd's in Mexico, he'll be in Zurich seeing Sloane, because Sloane will be expecting him, and for the moment, they should be doing everything in a predictable fashion. Syd stops suddenly. Jack notices and joins her in looking at a board of agents killed in action. Syd's name is on it. And, for those of you who are pause-happy, her name reads, "Bristow, Sydney A." No, I don't know what the "A" stands for, and no, I'm not paging back through previous recaps to find out. For some reason, I think it's "Anne," but it could just as easily be "Anti-Nuclear Warhead," so discuss amongst yourselves.

"I'll have that adjusted," says Jack dryly. Syd turns to him. "Where was I buried?" "You were cremated," he says. "Vaughn spread your ashes at sea." Okay, that would be much more poignant if "Vaughn" and "spread" weren't in the same sentence. Oh, and call me crazy, but if Spy Daddy weren't in prison yet for selling out his country or whatever, wouldn't HE be responsible for his DAUGHTER'S remains? What the hell is VAUGHN doing with the mortal remains of JACK'S DAUGHTER? Like, when my father died, they didn't hand the ashes to his friend LLOYD to deal with, right? As far as I know, my MOTHER was responsible for them, and she did Dad right by keeping him in the hall closet for about four months while she yelled at him on a daily basis before she finally buried him beneath a tree on his favorite golf course. All I'm sayin' is, Vaughn? Ain't Syd's next o' kin, okay? Speaking of Vaughn…

University of Hot French Teachers and the Students Who Lust After Him. Vaughn's standing up in front of a class, all dressed in black and looking supremely luscious. I'm sorry. He does. He says some shit to them in French, and after Julio brings me back to consciousness with some smelling salts, I'm able to continue recapping this scene. The class is dismissed, and Syd enters. She walks over to Vaughn, and there's a moment of weighted tension. Syd's all, so you're a Latin teacher then? Vaughn's all, yeah, Latin. Funny. No, it's French, you psycho. Syd's all, look, I know you're thinking of coming back to the CIA and everything, but if you're hesitating out of some misguided courtesy to me, well, fuck you. Vaughn's all, um, what? Syd's all, I can handle you being there, don't worry about me.

Vaughn steps forward and says, "The other day, you said I gave up on us because I didn't have faith. That somehow you didn't mean enough to me." Syd's all, oh, well, when I said that, I was on Nyquil and Robitussin. I didn't know what the hell planet I was on, let alone what the hell I was saying. Vaughn's all, shut it, sister. It's my turn to go off on YOU, and I guarantee you that MY speech is gonna bring your sorry screeching ass to tears. "After you died, I used to talk to you like you were still around. Literally. Out loud. Whole conversations, about -- about nothing. The weather. Should I get a new car? Should I have another drink? And one day, you started answering. I mean, I could hear you in my head. Like you were right next to me, Sydney. And although rationally I knew I was a guy who…stayed up nights drinking, talking to his dead girlfriend, still I couldn't stop. So before you tell me you can handle my coming back to the CIA, there are two things you need to know. First is that I was so in love with you, that it nearly killed me. And second, that I don't regret moving on with my life."

Syd, who looks like she's about to bawl, just stops and swallows her tears. And…scene. No, really. NO, REALLY. Like, way to drop the damn guillotine, writers. What? What happened next? Did Syd brain him with a board eraser? Did Vaughn drop to his knees and declare that he'll never love another as he loved her? Did some random student named Howie clamber in and go, "Teach! What'd I get on that final, eh? 'Cuz I need to GRADUATE!" I mean, what did the powers that be on this particular episode hope to gain from just clomping a big-ass combat boot on the end of this scene? Closure? Finality? Cheez-Its? Because I can tell you, whatever their reasoning, the abrubt ending of this scene sucked major donkey balls.

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Alias

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