Alias
The Awful Truth

Episode Report Card
Erin: C+ | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
If by "awful" you mean "awfully convenient for Jack."

Previously on Alias: Syd found out that Jack killed Irina, everyone went to work for Sloane at the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue, Syd was kidnapped by Rick Yune, who then informed her that, actually, Irina had hired him to kill Syd, thereby making the fact that Jack offed Irina…okay. Man. The twisted morals of this show are so convoluted and terrifying that you need a trained guide dog, a flexible idea of what constitutes "good" and "evil," and a flashlight that burns with the strength of the core of the sun in order to navigate through them without giving yourself a brain tumor.

Bahamas. Sydney and Marshall enter some building and they're both dressed up in their finest trashy American outfits. Actually Syd's outfit kind of resembles the one she wore in that hotel where she pretended to be Italian and broke a nail during one of the blooper outtakes on the DVD, but seeing as the costuming crew kicks all sorts of ass, I'll let this slight repetition of disguise go with only a mere slap on the wrist. Marshall's outfit, on the other hand, makes him look like a porn star. And not a porn star of the Jenna Jameson "cool enough to be on VH1" variety; no, a porn star of the "I just bought this camera and wouldn't it be fun to get together with some friends and tape ourselves doin' it?" variety.

A tall attractive black man approaches them and introduces himself as the bank manager. Syd, who's pretending to be a woman by the name of "Mrs. DeMarco," delivers a line about her jet being bouncy out of Newark or something, but I'm too bowled over by her Miss Adelaide-on-crack Long Guyland/Joisey accent to really pay much attention what the line actually is. The accent is truly hilarious, y'all. I mean, if it was intended to be hilarious which, um, if it wasn't, and this was a serious attempt at a crass mobster wife accent, then, um, that's really, really sad. The captions actually state that it's supposed to be a Jersey accent which…Sars? I've never heard you speak like this but, then again, you're not a crass mobster wife. Or…are you? ["It's the Hollywood-generic Jersey/Brooklyn/Bronx accent. They're three distinct places, but you'd never know that from movies and TV." -- Sars]

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