Alias
The Box, Part I

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The Box, Part I

At this point, I'm wondering if Shovelhead thought he actually was working for the CIA at the time of this unfortunate interlude. I suppose he did, right? Because otherwise, he wouldn't have had the Russians contact the CIA, right? Oh, I don't know. What the hell. Let's continue. "So," says Shovelhead, "when that Russian got off the phone, he was so pissed. He was so insane with rage. That was when he showed me this. Baby?" The WCAC FLC hands Shovelhead a rather medieval-looking leather-bound box. Oh! The box! Hence the title of this week's episode.

Fathers And Daughters Working Together. Spy Daddy opens up the entrance to the airshaft and starts spitting out exit instructions to Sydney. "Dad, you're not doing this," she says. "Of course I am," he says. "What're you talking about?" "No, you're not!" asserts Syd. "You're gonna have to crawl through a maze of airshafts, get to Marshall's office, get the scrambler, get to the vault room, and scramble the code, all in under ten minutes. I mean, no offense, but, Dad -- I am doing this." Awww. Spy Daddy continues to attempt to give her helpful instructions and Sydney's all, "Dad, I know how to do this!" Sydney can't believe that they're actually trying to save SD-6. She enters the airshaft. As she crawls along above him, Spy Daddy puts his hand up and sort of lovingly touches the airshaft itself. Awww part deux. Victor Garber? You rule. If I hadn't spent my last remaining tears during the mawkish ending of Pay It Forward, I'd be spilling a few over this scene, lemme tell you.

Back in Shovelhead's Secret Room Of Drawn-Out Verbal Torture, Shovelhead asks Sloane if he wants to see what's inside The Box. Sloane wisely ignores him. "You're gonna give me the combination to the SD-6 vault," menaces Shovelhead. "And if you don't, I'm going open this box. And Arvin? Trust me when I tell you. You do not want me. To. Open. This. Box."

Thank God. Another commercial. Lord, this is exhausting. If this were The Agency, I'd be done by now. I'd probably also be drunker than an intern at a company Christmas party, if you want to know the truth. That's the only way I actually survived those damn recaps. Ahhh, the good old days of inebriated recapping…I miss them so.

Establishing shot of some random brewing company/restaurant. Will-age Idiot's sitting at a table, going over what are, most likely, incredibly stupid notes about this crooked developer. On his table? Four nice white china place settings, some water glasses, and what looks like a box of wheatgrass. Playing over the stereo system? Classical. Waiters? Dressed like waiters. Um, didn't the establishing shot inform us that this was a "brewing company"? Shouldn't Will-age be sitting at a corner booth with a basket of home fries and a tasty microbrew? Shouldn't the music be Dave Matthews or something? Shouldn't the waiters look like college students? All I'm sayin' is, MATCH YOUR EXTERIORS AND INTERIORS, PLEASE. That is all. Anyway, Will-age Idiot's scribbling something in his notebook. It's probably naked pictures of Sydney. A youngish-looking girl approaches and asks him if he's Will Tippin. He says that he is, and she takes a seat opposite him. Will-age Idiot's confused. "Are you with Carla D'Angelo's office?" She has no idea what he's talking about. "On my voicemail, you said you were working on a story about my dad," she says. "Your dad?" asks Will. "Yeah," she says. "David McNeil?" Will-age looks ill. Actually, Bradley Cooper does a really good job here of looking like someone who's just eaten something rather tasty and then been informed that what he's just swallowed is actually seal brains. He looks frightened and paranoid and nauseous all at once. "I never called you," says Will. "Now, I don't know what you know --" Daughter McNeil informs him that she knows everything. Will-age tells her that they never talked and that this never happened. He gets up and leaves as Daughter McNeil watches him go.

Offices of The Agency and Sundry Other CIA-Based Programs. The Weasel is slithering down a hallway. Vaughn chases after him. "What the hell is your problem, lackey?" Vaughn spews. "Reporting me to [Dr. Nancy]?" "I don't have a problem, I told you," says The Weasel. "You have the problem." "Well, you know what? This might shock you, but my business is not your business." "I'm looking out for the good of the agency." "Yeah? Then you should quit!" Hee. Double-O-Nothing is much more attractive when he's going all commando on someone's ass. The Weasel tells Vaughn that he's too emotionally attached to Sydney. "Like you would know anything about being emotionally attached to a woman!" snarks Vaughn. Double hee. "I think your judgment's impaired!" snaps The Weasel. "I think I'm gonna kick your ass!" Snort. Dude. A second-grade Girl Scout could kick The Weasel's ass. But we appreciate your effort. And you look mighty fine when you're handing the smackdown to a man who's approximately half your size. Heh. "You're outta line!" shouts The Weasel. "No, YOU'RE outta line!" shouts Vaughn, slamming The Weasel up against the wall as agents come a-runnin'. "You stay the HELL outta my operations, you understand me?" Agent Sean pulls Vaughn off of The Weasel. "Did you see that? Did everyone see that?" says The Weasel, his voice cracking. "That's what I'm talkin' about!" And then he sort of scampers off to his cave of snitchery.

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