The Box, Part I

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Erin: C+ | Grade It Now!
The Box, Part I

On with the show…

Sydney sadly walks away from her "father" to the tune of Enya's "How Can I Keep From Singing." Yes, I have the album. No, I'm not forty-five. Syd returns home to The Hatbox Of Painful Memories and shuffles through her family archives. She pauses briefly over the newspaper clipping detailing the accident that involved her mother, her father, and the postal worker-cum-FBI undercover agent, Calder. She tosses that aside and picks up some Photoshopped Bristow family portraits, touching her mother's face gingerly. "There's something that happens when you discover the truth about someone," says Sydney in a VO. "I know a little about this." Then she angrily tosses her mother's photo into the conveniently located, yet entirely unnecessary since she lives in California, fire. "The truth changes everything," her VO concludes as Sydney watches SpyMomsky burn.

Hidden Location Of Clandestine Double-Agent Meetings. The SpyMomsky Exposition Dance continues as Sydney waxes nostalgic about the memory of her mother to Vaughn. She gives this sort of long, flowery speech about how everything she thought about her mother, every item of clothing, every book she left behind, every single memory Sydney has, well, none of it's real. "She wasn't that woman at all," says Sydney. "She was a horrible person…who killed your father." She starts to cry and tells Agent Apathy how sorry she is that her mother was responsible for Daddy Apathy's death. She looks so heartbroken that finally, FINALLY, Captain Wrinkle makes actual physical contact with her and comforts her with a hug as the endless strains of Irish New Age float over them.

Center For International Spy Hijinks. A van pulls up to the security entrance to the Credit Dauphine garage. A scuzzy-looking guy with a cigarette permanently affixed to his lower lip whips out some device and hacks into the security card machine, allowing the van entrance. Clearly, he is up to no good, as the trademark Alias Disco Drums Of Doom on the soundtrack so blatantly illustrate.

After entering the garage, The Van Of Potentially Fun-Lovin' Criminals pulls up to some security cameras. A Fun-Lovin' Criminal jumps out with a pair of wire cutters and cuts the camera wires, causing the screens to go blank in the security office. The SD-6 video security team, which consists of a measly two guys, goes on alert. Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #1 goes to check it out as Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #2 orders him to bring him a coffee with two sugars while he's at it. Way to be proactive about your job, Dead Man Sitting.

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