Alias
The Box, Part I

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The Box, Part I

Yay! Fun-Lovin' Criminals! The FLCs burst forth from the airshaft with guns and 'tudes a-blazin'. Wicked Cool Asian Chick FLC takes a look at her handy little heartbeat detector Palm Pilot as Soon-To-Be-Dead Security Guard #3 makes an appearance at the end of the hall. He flicks off the laser security grid (why? Who knows? Who cares?), and the FLCs take him out. The whole group starts running pell-mell down the hallway with an outrageously fat Quentin Tarantino in the lead, as that kick-ass Rob Zombie song from The Matrix plays in the background. Man, I love that movie. One of the FLCs lags behind and has to slide beneath the returning laser barrier. He makes it, and Puff Daddy Q rips off his industrial jumpsuit, revealing a standard-issue SD-6 agent suit. "How do I look?" Q asks the Wicked Cool Asian Chick FLC. You look like someone hit you in the face with the concave side of a shovel (tm JessKay), dude. But that's not important right now.

Meanwhile, Sydney arrives at the garage door, enters her security card, and pulls into the garage. Up in the SD-6 offices, Shovelhead walks casually through the maze of desks with a cup of coffee. He passes by Sloane's office as Arvin (that name KILLS me) is trying to get his wife's doctor on the phone. While he's waiting, his computer screen shows Shovelhead and announces that there's an unauthorized person in the office. The computer starts running an ID program.

At the same time, Syd's pulling into her parking space. She exits her car and passes by the FLC van, where Cigarette-Smoking Russian FLC leans out and says, "Hey zere, beautiful! Why don't choo turn zat frown upside down?" Sydney shoots him in the head with her Walther 9mm, eliciting screams of joy from verbally-harassed women everywhere. Okay, not really. But CSR FLC doesn't particularly enjoy the fact that Sydney just ignores him instead of jumping into his lap and slipping him the tongue, so he pulls out his gun and aims it directly at the back of her head.

And we're at the first commercial break of the evening. No, I can't believe it either. How in the HELL did Manimal do this week after week? Six bloody pages in and we're not even into the meat of the episode. I need a drink.

Mmmm…Amstel Light.

Back from the break, Syd's still walking through the garage, and CSR FLC is still pointing his gun at her. Luckily, he's distracted by the wheel-screeching arrival of Spy Daddy, who jumps out of his car and tells Sydney that what she's doing is pure suicide. Dear Continuity Department: Where's the bandage? Not minutes ago, Spy Daddy was sporting a gargantuan bandage on his right cheekbone, but it's miraculously disappeared. Dudes? They're called "dailies." Look into it. Sydney disagrees with her father. Shocker. "What exactly is your exit strategy here?" says Spy Daddy. "Politely asking Sloane to let you out of SD-6?" Heh. Sydney claims that, based on Sloane's prior protective behavior toward her, getting out of SD-6 may not be all that difficult. Spy Daddy begs to differ. "Sloane answers to people," he says. "People who neither know or care about you. If he lets you go, they'll eliminate him and you." Sydney just glares at him as they enter the elevator.

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Alias

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