Alias
The Counteragent

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Erin: B | Grade It Now!
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Who? What? Where? Whyeeeeee?

So anyway, Mama Hari strokes her face with her snowshoe of a hand and tells Vaughn that she owes him her life. "Thank you," she husks. Vaughn's all, well, thanks for the thanks, sister, but I didn't do it for you. Mama Hari gets up and walks over to the glass. She's all, well, whatever, dude. I owe you my life. Vaughn's all, you owe me my father's life, okay? Now, moving on, when I was hanging out on the gurney down in Cap Ferrat, I noticed that dickweed Khasinau experimenting on all sorts of people who'd been exposed to that ooky liquid from inside the Big Red Ball. What in the HELL did he learn from doing that, anyway? I kinda wanna know if he came up with a cure, because, well, I kind of don't have a lot of time here. Mama Hari's all, ooooh, so you're the one who's sick! I heard about you! Vaughn's all, uh, yeah, you know, my shoes are really shiny.

Mama Hari sees her opportunity and takes it. "Tell me how you feel about my daughter." Vaughn's all, uh, lady, that is SO none of your business, antidote or not, okay? Mama Hari's all, shut up and answer the question, you navel-gazer. "Are you in love with her?" Vaughn's all, I so don't know why that should matter to you. Mama Hari's all, look, grease my palm, dude. Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Vaughn stops looking at his shoelaces long enough to say, "Help me and I'll tell you what you want to know." What happens if what she really wants to know is how to make a delectable cheese soufflé and the whole "do you love my daughter" question is just a decoy, dude? Her help won't matter much then, will it?

Foolio's Fantasyland Of Fine Foods. Will and Syd are sitting at a table, filling salt shakers. Why? Why is Syd helping Foolio with her salt shakers? I mean, she's not running this restaurant out of the basement of her apartment building, is she? Like, if she can afford to open up a fucking restaurant, then she should damn well be able to hire a couple of tattooed college students to shove salt into shakers. Whatever.

Will wants to talk to Syd and asks if it's safe. Syd gives him the "hang on a minute" sign and whips out a lipstick, rolling it up to reveal a lovely shade of mellow mango or something. Will's all, seriously? There's a bug killer in the lipstick? By the way, I think that "seriously" is a shout-out to me. Sydney says it later in the show, and I think the writers actually have nothing better to do than stick a "seriously" in the middle of their dialogue, just so I can feel that someone out there in Hollywood is wasting several hours reading my retarded recaps and wants to show their appreciation. Because I'm a dork.

Anyway, Will tells Syd that he looked up twenty years of standardized tests to see if any of Vaughn's IQ questions showed up. Nope. Not a chance. "But there was a year missing and the Educational Testing Service didn't have a hard copy or a disk. I mean, it's like 1982 never existed." Syd's all, well, maybe someone wanted it to disappear. Foolio comes over with a bowl of something and a spoon and asks Syd to taste her bouillabaisse and report on whether it's too spicy or too salty. Why is Foolio in the kitchen whipping up bouillabaisse when she was previously just a caterer who BURNED TURKEYS ON THANKSGIVING? No, really. The woman used to pass around pigs in a blanket, and now she's all, "Here, try my shiitake quiche with red pepper saffron sauce!" The hell?

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Alias

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