Previously on Alias: I unplugged my TiVo and it bit me in the ass; Jack had a miraculous recovery from a complete immersion in radioactivity; the Sloane Clone was finally caught and revealed to be even weirder than we thought he was, including the fact that he actually had the SAME BRAIN as the real Sloane; the real Sloane was put into a trance and revealed to have a dead daughter named Jacquelyn and this made him super-sad; Nadia rescued him from permanent trance-dom, even though she totally hated him for adding chemicals to a large portion of the global water supply in order to create a more controllable strain of humans; and I waited not-so-patiently for this episode and the return of the bitchingest momma on the market, Lena Fucking Olin.

We open on the CIA. A guard is making his rounds, and too bad for him, really, because Jon Voight's Russian cousin takes him out in the first second of the episode. Quickly, a dozen or so black-clad baddies invade the place. As they go about their business, the Gods of Recapping smile down upon me and insert a nice big sign that says "Department of Special Research," so that we'll know the baddies are invading that place where all the cool-ass Rambaldi shit is. So the baddies make their way inside and Jonski Voightskovich heads right for the Nightingale coil, while all the other baddies start smashing through the glass that encloses all the cool-ass Rambaldi shit. They collect everything, including the Sphere of Life. Dun dun DUUUUN.

Barbie Penthouse. Syd enters and says that there's a cab waiting outside. That's because Sonia/Elena has to get her ass out of town but quick, seeing as she's evil and all. Elena has concocted the excuse that the Lisbon police called and it's safe for her to return home. Syd hugs her, all smiles, because Elena is just the nicest, sweetest, non-evilest person EVER. Elena pulls back and looks at the two girls standing side-by-side and says some shit about how they're two beautiful and smart women. Yeah, I don't know how "smart" they are, honey; you've been around for the last few weeks and neither one of them picked up on how you're the devil's minion and all. Hugs and goodbyes all around and Elena finally gets her nasty ass outta there.

Apple Store. Hee. Sorry. I just paused this scene and I know what's coming up and it's making me giggle already. And I'm not even drinking during this recap. (I was, however, drinking during the episode, which might account for how I don't remember much of what happened after Clifford the Big Red Ball showed up over…Prague? Budapest? Siberia? No idea.) Anyway. Vaughn's just standing around, staring into Jack's office while Jack talks on the phone. Vaughn seems to be pondering something serious, as the two hundredth forehead wrinkle would attest. He sighs deeply and appears to make a choice, because he starts walking toward Jack. Too bad Heavens to Murgatroyd Marshall intercepts him before he can get there.

Marshall's all, blah blah blah Weiss's dad died will you sign this card? Vaughn's all, dude? I'm about to go face my death in front of a dad with an itchy trigger finger, okay? I'll sign it later. Vaughn walks off to continue his quest and Marshall just tags along like MARSHALL GO AWAY ALREADY. Vaughn's all, dude? Bugger off. Marshall's all, but…you asked me to go to lunch! Vaughn's all, did I ask you to go now? No? Then fuck off, okay? I have to talk to Jack alone! Marshall's all, 'bout whaaaaat? Vaughn's all, how you wear women's panties and smear yourself with pudding on the weekends, OKAY? Fuck. Off. Marshall's all, what? I like pudding. But seriously, 'bout whaaaaaat? Vaughn's all, DUDE. This is something I need to ask Jack. If you were Sydney's father, I could ask you, but you're not so GO AWAY. Marshall's all, yeah, I know I'm not Sydney's father, but what has that got to-- Vaughn cuts him off by showing him a lovely diamond in a box. Instead of thinking Vaughn's proposing to HIM, Marshall finally, mercifully, gets a goddamn clue and says, "Hey, congratulations, man! That's fantastic! I'm sure Mr. Bristow's gonna be thrilled!" Vaughn just gets this look on his face and goes, "Really? I'm just hoping he doesn't shoot me on the spot." And then he does this hilarious walk-off with his rather disheveled hair leading the way. Heh. Heh heh.

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