Regina: Okay. You ready?
Wendy Kroy: Remote? Check.
Regina: Disgusting snack food? Check.
Wendy Kroy: Stoli Vanilla and Coke? Check.
Regina: LOTS of Stoli Vanilla and Coke? Check. And hallelujah.
Wendy Kroy: Hallelujah and amen, sister.
Regina: Many, MANY packs of cigarettes? Check. And, in homage to Aaron...flick. Aaaaahhh.
Wendy Kroy: Your cabana boy standing at the ready and sporting a delightful pair of canary yellow Capri pants that hug and contour of his plush little bottom in a most happy way and, thankfully, nothing else.
Regina: And YOUR cabana boy, standing at the ready, and sporting a delightful pair of WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU GOT HIM WEARING?
Wendy Kroy: What?
Regina: Is that a gold lamé THONG he's wearing?
Wendy Kroy: Yeah. So?
Regina: SO? Dude, I'm trying to do a JOB here! And, seriously, thongs should be outlawed. For ALL sexes.
Wendy Kroy: Come on! Enrique has a fabulous butt! I just like him to show it off!
Regina: Oh, please. I think Viggo Mortensen has a fabulous butt; that doesn't mean I want to SEE BOTH SIDES OF IT SWELLING AROUND A PIECE OF GOLD LAMÉ DENTAL FLOSS. IN MY LIVING ROOM.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, right. Like, if Viggo showed up, right here, right now, and he was wearing a gold lamé thong, you wouldn't start drooling and jump him?
Regina: Hello? It's Viggo Mortensen, sister. He could be wearing a Hefty garbage bag, a pair of mismatched fishing boots and Batman mask and I'd jump him. But the thong? I'd probably scream first, rip it off him, and THEN jump him
Wendy Kroy: Okay, okay. We've established that you're not a fan of the thong. Fine.
Regina: I am not. And this is my house. Cover that heinie up, bitch.
Wendy Kroy:. God, you're testy.
Regina: You'd be testy too if you had to sit down and recap a show whose first twenty minutes REPEAT THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, calm down. That's why I'm here.
Regina: Why are you here again?
Wendy Kroy: To have fun.
Regina: This isn't FUN, Wendy.
Wendy Kroy: It is for me. Enrique! Bring Daddy a cocktail!
Regina: Oh, Jesus.
And thus it was that Wendy Kroy and I settled down to recap this, the premiere episode of the second season of the ass-kicking-est show around, Alias. The best part? Lena Olin. The worst part? The first fucking twenty minutes. Trust me on this.