Previously on Alias: Spy Barbie broke into Uncle Arvin's personal home safe in order to retrieve the oh-so-secret blank page, which wound up sporting an ancient sketch of Sydney's face; Willage Idiot got kidnapped by Spy Daddy but, unfortunately for us, wasn't killed; Francie moped about the death of her relationship.

Okay, I think y'all know how much I dig this show, right? I dig it the most, baby. But I'm attempting to crank through this hummer on Sunday morning because I just got a freelance job that keeps me at the office until all hours, and I'm afraid this particular recap may suffer from the fact that I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE IT. Oh, and, like, I'm going to Paris on Tuesday and I have to do laundry, clean the house, pack my shit, recover my domain name which was RUDELY stolen by some lame-ass marketing group, and, like, I'm LOSIN' it over here. I'm telling y'all this so you don't go all, "Why's the recap only one page long?" on my ass.

And now, on with the very first single-page Alias recap.

Vaughn loves Sydney. Sydney loves Vaughn. Spy Daddy loves Sydney. Uncle Arvin loves Sydney. Sydney is the destructor of the world.

See y'all next week!

Yes, of course I'm kidding. Just relax. And put down those guns!

We open up at a meeting of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, but I neither have the time nor the inclination to find it. Some dude is looking through some documents. He finally says that he wants to know just who Sydney Bristow is and why the committee's time should be spent discussing her. Lindsay Crouse, who's obviously gone downhill since David Mamet dumped her, says that Syd's a double agent working undercover at SD-6. Yawn.

Then Syd's running pell-mell through a lovely patch of woods. No, I don't know what she's running from. She's just running. Then Lindsay's yammering on about how she came into possession of the "Sydney" sketch. Back to Sydney running. And we're running and we're running. Lindsay points the senator dude to the partially coded text that surrounds the drawing and explains that the coded message has to do with the woman in the drawing. Bleah. And we're running and we're running. Now dogs are running. Now Syd's leaping off a mountain and popping her parachute and -- oh Lord, she's sailing away past that huge statue of Jesus that looks down over Rio de Janeiro. Whatever. Back to the senator dude. Lindsay's all, please let us proceed with this! Senator Dude's all, right on, we'll give you whatever you need.

Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's writing Vaughn a lurrrrrve note. She got surveillance photos of someone they think might be "The Man." God, I can't wait to stop typing that insipid name. They couldn't call him "Roland" or "Goldfinger" or "Dr. No" or something? That name is just too stupid for words. Anyway, Syd drops the note in a wastebasket and walks away, awaiting further instruction from Agent Amorous.

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