Alias
The Road Home

Episode Report Card
Erin: D+ | 1 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Whirligig of Death and Destruction

Previously on Alias: Jack and Sloane were in cahoots to take down some dudes who were reforming the Alliance, Nadia had a pissy birthday, and Syd and Dix teamed up to find out whether or not Sloane was the bad guy we all really think he is. Pretty much, a lot of shit happened and I have a feeling it was in preparation for this episode, in which…nothing happens. At all.

In order to get through this recap, I must have at my disposal:

  • Caffeine.
  • A stick with which to beat myself about the head when I start yelling, "GET ON WITH IT ALREADY" for the hundredth time.
  • Bottled water. Preferably from the hills of Switzerland.
  • Actually, I'd just rather be in the hills of Switzerland drinking the water THERE instead of here, at my desk, recapping this episode.
  • Did I mention the caffeine?
  • A carton of crack and a turkey baster full of heroin because, man. MAN.
  • Clive Owen.

Let's get on with this.

Paris. The door to a restaurant opens, and Emilia Streisand, Barbra's French cousin, enters. No, it's Syd. And she's…well, I don't mean to be indelicate here, but…she's sporting a fake nose of gargantuan proportions. I'm not really sure why she's wearing a large fake nose, unless she's supposed to be disguised as someone else and that someone is only identifiable by a nose that would make Dustin Hoffman go, "Dayum! That's a large nose!" I honestly don't think the nose is in place to help Syd better resemble a French person because, um, do French people have huge noses? Where was I when this discovery came into play? Vartan doesn't have a big nose. Olivier Martinez doesn't have a big nose. (And can we have a moment of silence for Olivier Martinez? Siiiiigh. Yum. Siiiigh.) I don't…I just don't get it. And we never really do find out why Syd has a Buick parked on her face ["um…Depardieu" -- Sars], so I guess it's not important, but I'm warning you: The Nose pulls focus.

So, The Nose (or "Le Nez" en Français) saunters past the bar and we see Vaughn sitting there, enjoying a nice martini. He watches as The Nose sits at a table and orders a martini with four olives, and then he tells Dix that The Nose is in place and there's no sign yet of some guy named Connelly. The martini with four olives arrives and The Nose removes the speared olives and tosses them to the table, thereby making her "announcement" to Connelly. Seconds later, he arrives, and it's Cliff De Young, and that name might not ring a bell with some of you younger viewers, but in my age group, he will forever be known as Susan Sarandon's skeezy boyfriend in The Hunger.

Cliff and Syd exchange some words in French, and they mercifully spare us more of their atrocious language skills and start talking to each other in English. I have no idea, really, the specifics of what they discuss because The Nose keeps distracting me. It's so large that I'm fairly certain it can be seen from space. Aliens the universe over are just hanging out on their levitating balconies, looking in their space-scopes and going, "Beeeezeldeet! Kroog ma feetoh!" (Translation: "Holy shit! Look at the size of that schnozz!") I'm surprised Syd doesn't drink her martini with it, it's that enormous. Suffice it to say, Cliff has something to sell and The Nose is supposed to buy it. As they're discussing the down payment or whatever, some random dude enters the restaurant and piques Vaughn's interest. He gets a shot of the guy with his cell phone, and Dix sends it through the system in search of a match.

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Alias

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