Alias
The Solution

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Solution! We Don't Need No Stinkin' Solution!

Previously on Alias: Spitzy Saliva-Pants caught a knife in the gut, courtesy of our little Spy Barbie. Yay! The Bucktoothed Ex-Non-Boyfriend is dead!

We open up on a shot of Spy Barbie, now nearly comatose with the grief and sorrow associated with offing one's ex-non-boyfriend, getting her hand wrapped up in preparation for a little sparring session. In a mini-flashback, Spy Daddy is standing at Syd's desk saying how sorry he was to hear about Spitzy. Syd, who has now been rendered speechless by the repeating image of Cottonmouth McDumbass expiring in her arms, says nothing.

Then we're back for a moment with the sparring Syd. Next, Syd's telling Vaughn that she killed a man, in case we all missed the last episode, the previews for this week's episode, the previous recap, and the crack in the ozone layer that was created when Drippy D'Notgonnabearoundanymore's soul escaped his body. Agent Affirmation tells Syd that Drippy was an assassin and that if she hadn't killed him, he most likely would have killed her. And then we're back to the sparring.

Back, once again, with Agent Affirmation, Syd's spilling her "I'm a Reluctant Spy" sob story. She comes to the realization that she's not in this just to bring Dead Fiancé's killers to justice, she's in it for the revenge. Um, that's what bringing Dead Fiancé's killers to justice means, Syd. REVENGE. And don't knock revenge, okay? I'm currently developing a toxic form of marijuana that renders one impotent and grossly overweight for the pure purpose of secretly inserting it into a certain someone's one-hitter when he's not looking and then cackling when his new bizarro girlfriend leaves him because he's a no-good fat slacker who can't get it up. Revenge is sweet, my friends. And don't let anyone tell you any different.

Syd wraps up her three-tissue saga with the declaration that she feels that she's no longer trying to bring SD-6 down, but that she's now on their side. Agent Affirmation whips out (shut up!) some laminated chart that shows how huge SD-6 was when Syd first started working with him. Then he flips over some clear sheet that shows how sort-of-not-huge SD-6 is today. It's really not that much of a difference, but there are a lot of little red circles with slashes through them all over the place so I guess we're supposed to assume that Syd's actually making progress here.

"Kasineau's out there," says Syd. "My mom is out there." Agent Amorous assures her that they'll find both of them. Syd then says she has to go to class. Class? CLASS? We're still on this? God, just drop the damn university thing already, okay? This is the first time it's even been mentioned in ages and nobody in the audience seems to give a shit so, like, LET IT GO.

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Alias

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