Alias
The Solution

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Erin: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Solution! We Don't Need No Stinkin' Solution!

Syd gets up to leave but, before she exits, Agent Amorous grabs an ice pack from a first-aid kit and gently places it on Syd's hand, which was bloodied during the spliced-in sparring scenes. He tells her to take care of herself and she leaves.

Sisters are Not Doin' It For Themselves Central. Willage is on all fours (hee!), groping around behind the fridge. It would seem that Francie thinks they have rats because she heard some scritching and scratching back there. Willage wants to go to the hardware store to pick up some traps, but Francie declares that they need "a professional, a hit man." Too bad Spitzy's dead. He'd take care of those rats with a switchblade and a smile in no time at all.

Before Willage can pick up the phone and dial "Ratkillers, Inc." his cellphone rings. It's Deep Throat, back for more anonymous and baffling fun. Willage runs outside. Deep Throat's chastising him for not publishing the story about SD-6. Willage is all, dude, I WAS KIDNAPPED. You write the damn story, okay? I'm gonna go eat some Ding-Dongs. Deep Throat is all, hey Mr. Scaredy-Britches, it was just a bluff. Run down to the local morgue, pick up a new backbone, and publish the damn story already! Willage is all, bugger off freaknut, and hangs up.

Deep Throat's a persistent voice-without-a-body, though, and calls right back. Willage is all, dude, WHAT'D I SAY? Don't call me again, okay? Deep Throat trumps him by announcing that his kidnapper was none other than Jack Bristow.

D'oh!

After the break, we're back at the House of Hysterics and Useless Plotlines. Syd enters, looking jagged, and Francie literally pops up from behind the kitchen counter like a jack-in-the-box and informs her that they have rats. She goes on to say that the exterminator's coming between noon and three and does Syd think she can hang around for him? Syd's unavailable because she has to run off to Borneo or something in search of her bitch of a mother. Or she has a "symposium" or some such shit. Unfortunately, Francie's busy as well.

They both look over at Willage. "What?" he says. "I don't live here." "Then why are you always here?" asks Syd. Ha! That is TOTALLY a shout-out. Without a doubt. And it's an excellent question. Why is Willage always at their house? Doesn't he have a home? Or does he just live in a leaky cardboard box DOWN BY THE RIVER?

Willage protests at first, but then Syd flicks on the dimples and Willage agrees to roam around their house and rifle through her underwear drawers and sniff her deodorant. And here's where the whole "rats" storyline comes to its full realization. Francie goes on this silly tirade about how rats are clever and how you can't just leave out cheese and expect them to come 'n' get it. "You have to leave out the good stuff," she says. "You know, the heavy-duty stuff. The stuff that they want. That's the only way that they're going to come out. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time."

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Alias

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