Alias
The Two

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Erin: B- | Grade It Now!
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Mr. Sandman, bring me a clue

Commercials. See Kill Bill. I know I'm going to. I'm sorry, one film containing Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Vivica A. Fox, Michael Marsden, AND David Carradine? And there's kung fu? And kick-ass tunes? Dude. I'll be sleeping outside the theatre for that one. Or, you know, I'll at least be at a bar across the street a couple hours early.

When we return, one of Uncle Arvin's henchmen makes an appearance, obviously because Syd's a mass murderer or something. Sloane's all, no, go in peace, my son. Then he smiles and greets Sydney warmly, obviously forgetting all those times he tried to have her killed. Oh, and that whole "murdered her fiancé in cold blood" scenario. Syd's not even about to return the warmth here, and she just launches into the reason she's there: The Covenant. She tells Sloane that she made a visual ID of one of the members and that she needs to put a name to a face. As she says this, Sloane casually walks over to a credenza and picks up a folder. Syd's all, you're gonna help me find this guy. Sloane's all, wow, you must be in some pretty dire straits to come to me for help, huh? Then he sort of forcefully shoots the folder across his desk to her. It's a really snappy move, and I only mention it because it SO doesn't seem like the action of a man at peace with the world. It seems more like the old "I Love The Smell Of Blood On The Playground In The Morning" Sloane we've come to know and love.

Syd walks over and picks up the folder. Inside, of course, is a picture and some info on the MBBGG Russian dude that Syd's looking for. "His name is Gorde Volkov," says Sloane. And yeah, that's how you spell the Russian dude's name, okay? My captioning says so. So, anyway, Sloane says that this Volkov dude is a former Russian MVD, whatever that means, and also? He's a high-class hit man. Well, if by "high-class," you mean "ambles onto TGV trains and shoots the shit out of dozens of civilians and then knifes a guy in cold blood without even considering the consequences." Syd's all, oh, how nice. And you just happened to have this little bitty folder lying around on your desk, huh? Sloane's all, um, yeah, that's it, smart-ass. I had it ready for you because I knew you were coming. See, you didn't know this about me, but aside from being a mass-murdering sociopath, I'm also a sideshow clairvoyant. Gimme your hand. I'll read yer palm. "Sydney, I know you've gone rogue, and that your father's in solitary," he says quietly. "And based on my personal experience with you, I'd say that you're working on a way to win him his personal freedom. Am I right?" Syd's all, um, no, actually. I just had a Nerve date with MBBGG and he never called me, so I wanna track him down and start stalking him properly. You got a problem with that?

Oh. No. Ew. The Inappropriate Toucher is back. Sloane stands up, smiling in that way he does, and walks over to Syd. You know, I'm sure when Ron Rifkin does this smile, it is totally charming and sweet, but when he's playing Sloane, it's all sorts of "Stop touching me, Uncle Arvin, or I'll tell Mommy!" Sloane puts his hands on Syd's shoulders (ew!) and pleads with her to remember the bond they had together once. EWWWW! "I loved you like a daughter," he says. "I loved you. And even you would admit there were times -- I would see it in your eyes -- you looked at me like I was your fa--" And that's about all Syd can take. She grabs him, slams him down on the desk, and pushes a letter opener to the back of his neck. You go, girl! You get the big bad Uncle Arvin with the wandering hands! She's all, what the hell did you do to me, you little rat-faced fink! I was missing for two years, and this little escapade has Commander Crackers written all over it. Sloane's all, dude. Do you believe in redemption? Syd's all, uh, no, that is most definitely not a word that occurs to me in regards to you. Sloane's all, we've helped feed over three million children worldwide. The what? With the who? Huh? He goes on to say that their cancer research has the potential to save lives. What, OmniFam? You gotta be kidding me. "So much has changed since you've been gone," he finishes. And just to prove his point, Syd looks up and sees, gasp, Sloane's picture on the cover of CEO Monthly Magazine. Does that publication even exist? That is SO a fake magazine put there for Syd's benefit. Trust me on this.

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Alias

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