First and foremost, thanks be to God for all that is Kim and holy. She did a righteous job recapping the last two eps while I was in jolly old Londontown, and for that I owe her my undying love and gratitude. Kim rules.

Second and secondmost, I found the last episode so goddamn confusing that I'm not even sure I can moderately recap it in a concise fashion. Of course, I was drunk when I watched the tape, but I watched it again SOBER, and it didn't make any more sense. Maybe if I'd been on crack. Or crack and heroin. Or crack and heroin AND SUDAFED. As far as my non-addled mind could tell, however, Jack was kind of onto Evilauren, but before he could catch her red-handed, she killed her father and framed him for being the mole. Or, more correctly, according to the previouslys, Lauren tried to kill her father, but The Eyeliner of Evil wasn't strong enough or something, so Lauren's mommy had to handle the killing for her. And then it was discovered that Sloane and Senator Reed were in cahoots or something and that means that Sloane was in violation of his pardon agreement, so his ass is grass. Or, more correctly, his butt is fried. In two weeks, to be exact. And then some scar-faced dude told Syd and Vaughn that the box with "IRINA" written on it contained a plague-like bio-weapon. The Covenant refers to the bio-weapon as "The Passenger." I tell you all this not because it's my job, but because half this shit either dissolves by the middle of the episode or just flat-out disappears with no further explanation. Not that it really matters, because, dudes? Lauren is SO screwed.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, Ford Fuckus Theatre proudly presents Alias or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Drink More So This Show Actually Made Sense.

Sloane's chained to a chair. He says that he placed something powerful in the box and now the Covenant has it. He secured it with keys that Rambaldi himself had hidden. I…what? So this box that the Covenant was given in exchange for Dixon's kids was actually something Sloane put together? And how'd he secure it with keys that…shit. We're not two seconds in and I need another quart of grain alcohol to SHUT OFF THE REMAINING WORKING PORTION OF MY BRAIN just to deal with this fucking show.

"Bomani and Sark found the keys," says Sloane. Well, actually, Syd and Vaughn found the keys; Bomani and Sark just basically stole them. We catch up with Bomani and Sark as they're getting ready to open up the box. Bomani places four yellow Necco wafers onto the corners of the box. What? They look like Necco wafers, y'all. The Necco wafers sink down into the box, a mechanism clicks on, and the box opens. "Which means they have the heart," says Sloane. Inside the box is a plastic heart with a pulsating red center. The Di Regno heart. Okay, so, the Di Regno heart. It should be noted that I totally forgot about this piece of crap since it last appeared in SEASON GODDAMN TWO. For those of you curious as to its origins and purpose, I suggest you go here. And then read all about it. From that point on. Because I refuse to recap a recap. That's just lame. And time-consuming. And makes my inner ear bleed.

All we need to know, for the purposes of this recap, is that the Di Regno heart is an engine designed to power the Rambaldi machine known as "il Dire" or "The Telling." Yeah. That machine Sloane put together at the end of Season Two. As Bomani puts the heart in this humongous ancient machine that looks like it permanently lives in a back room at the Smithsonian, we hear Sloane say, "What they will witness is nothing short of a resurrection…as if Rambaldi is reaching through the centuries to deliver a message." The machine grinds and whirrs and clicks. Bomani gets a look on his face and says, "He's speaking." He moves toward the machine and bends down. A piece of parchment is racing beneath a team of stylus pens and something's being written down. That's it. That's il Dire.

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