Previously: Syd played doctor with Kelly MacDonald and all she got to show for it was a vial of stuff that freeze-dries people. Vaughn played a hot priest and made most of the females watching the show call up their local parish to see if they have any newbie priests fresh off the monastery who might be interested in "taking confession" with a very lapsed Catholic. Or maybe that was just me. Oh, and Nadia found a picture of herself dressed up to look like it was 1965 and somehow she thought it was a young Irina and she went around questioning everyone about the baby in the picture and…that storyline went nowhere because no one really knew who it was, even Jack, who basically lied and said it was Irina's niece or some shit. All in all, previously on Alias was a damn good time.
We start with a guy who has nothing to do with the Apple Store. He's sitting in his car, saying something in Russian to someone on the other end of a headset. What's he saying? I don't know. The captioning was not kind enough to provide any translation for me so, you know, we're starting off this episode with a bang. I mean, I was once a spy and speak seventy-two languages, but I'm drinking a Red Stripe at two in the afternoon on a Saturday, and for some reason, Russian is just slipping my mind at the moment. Also, the captions don't inform me who this guy is (and we find out later anyway) so, since the dude playing the Russian guy is the same guy who played "Sergei" on that early episode of Friends where Phoebe made Monica go out with Sergei's translator so that Phoebe and Sergei could get it on, I will henceforth be calling Russian Guy "Sergei." Hope that's all right with everyone. What's that? It's not? Shhhh. I can't hear you. I have beer in my ears.
Okay, so, in this scene, Sergei watches some dudes with guns. Then a truck pulls up and Sergei races into action. He screeches up, runs a guy over, then kills everyone else within a five-mile radius. Then he gets out, goes to the truck, opens the back, opens a safe and, inside, is some bizarre-looking device I've never seen before. He takes it, carefully places it in a silver suitcase, and drives off. We next see him driving down Wisteria Lane. He pulls into a driveway and his perfectly groomed wife greets him by sweetly telling him he's late. Sergei has changed out of his device-stealing clothes and is now wearing a plaid oxford shirt. He kisses his wife, and they head inside with their arms around each other. The Horns of These People Are Actually Really Bad But You Won't Find That Out Until Later kick into hyperdrive.