Spy House of Love. Upstairs in the bedroom, Spyneighbor is filling in Vaughn on the contents of his spy suitcase. Downstairs in the den, Sergei's filling in Syd on how to work the EMP. Convenient, that. His cell phone rings. It's Diane. While Sergei pretends to make small talk with his "wife," she's on the other end, telling him all about Syd and Vaughn and how they're not really the Tabokovs. She tells him to kill one and keep the other for interrogation. He tells Diane he loves her as Syd looks at him like, "Why are the Strings of Something Bad Is About To Happen So You'd Better Pay Attention, Oh, And, No, This Isn't A Cliffhanger, Even Though There's Only, Like, Five Minutes Left playing if you're just talking to your wife?"
We go to black, only to return six minutes later with, really, only five minutes left to the episode. I pour another beer (my fourteenth) and light another cigarette (my hundredth) and try to pretend like this episode is number five instead of what it really is, which is number nine. Join me, won't you, in my complete and utter denial of how this episode makes no sense and seems out of order and, really, kind of bugs?
Spy House of Love. Sergei gets off the phone and pretends that Diane told him to tell Syd to pack warm. He moves off to the kitchen to get Syd some more coffee, prattling all the way about Diane and her weird travel warnings and general journey foibles. Instead of getting Syd more coffee, he just grabs his gun and spins around to shoot Syd. Only she's not there. Upstairs, Spyneighbor is telling Vaughn about his evaluation, which went on at the Liberty Village Fried Chicken and he got burns all over his back from the fry machine. Back downstairs, Sergei's still looking for Syd and we're still thinking this is a cliffhanger episode.
Sergei's phone rings and he picks up. "Where is she?" he asks in Russian. Well, actually, she's right behind you, dumbass, and she has a vase in her hands which she cracks over your skull. Upstairs, the guys hear the noise and Spyneighbor moves for his gun. Vaughn makes his move. And then they fight. Spyneighbor throws Vaughn into a standing mirror, which is very similar to the standing mirror throw at the end of Season Two, only with Vaughn slamming into it instead of Syd. Downstairs, Syd's engaging in her own combat with Sergei. The fight continues until Sergei gets Syd in a stranglehold. It's one of those moments where you think Vaughn's going to come down and save her ass, but, thankfully, Drew Goddard chose another direction and made Syd actually save her OWN ass. She somehow throws Sergei off of her and he falls. She picks up a fire poker and beats the shit out of him as we hear sirens and helicopters outside.
Syd picks up Sergei's dropped gun and moves toward the hallway as Vaughn comes down the stairs and moves toward her. "They're on to us," breathes Syd. No shit. "Yeah, I figured that part out," breathes Vaughn. Hee. Syd runs into the other room and grabs the EMP. "I don't know what happened, but we gotta get outta here," she gasps, running for the door. They run outside and, as guns from a 'copter shoot at them, they find shelter next to a car. Vaughn yells that Syd should set off the EMP. She opens the case, opens the charger cover, it charges, and she hits the switch. Lights for ten miles go out. The helicopter dives into the roof of their house. "Maybe it's time to move out of the suburbs," quips Syd, grabbing the case. They run off.