Ally McBeal
A Kick In The Head

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Are You My Ally McMommy?

Client is on the stand. He said he saw a ball and kicked it. Why did he kick someone else's ball? He doesn't know. He loved his wife, and had never been happier. The other lawyer steps up and establishes that the client had behaved normally up till that point. He asks whether the defendant ever hit his wife prior to the kicking incident? Once, he slapped her: "It was a mistake." John and Richard lean back, displeased.

Client says he loved his wife and would never ever...he hangs his coat on John. John has a mild outburst, and then Client explains he "doesn't always see" John. When he slapped his wife, he thought she was a mosquito. He thought John was a coat rack: "Sometimes, [John] looks like a coat rack." Client "looks at people and sees inanimate objects." John says maybe it's time to see a neurologist. Maybe.

Bonnie Boone takes the stage in the bar to applause and cheers. After starting her medley with the theme (not jingle, but jingoistic for sure) to Love, American Style, she goes into the theme from The Brady Bunch, and pats Nelle on the head. Nelle, why do you even go to the bar, if you hate everyone so much? Just drink at home. Bonnie has a very pure voice; I can see how she failed as a blues singer. She's too sweet and pure-sounding. There's no dirty quality to her vocals, and the blues require that. Okay, after Cheers, she goes into Welcome Back, Kotter. Elaine grabs the mic and hogs the spotlight. She takes the stage for the Happy Days theme. Finally, we get to The Best Theme of All Time, Mary Tyler Moore. Though I really love the Rhoda theme, and Love Boat too. Hawaii Five-O is the best instrumental theme. When I moved back to NYC in 1990, there was a guy who rode the 1 and the 9 trains playing a comb. His intro was, "You're going home! I play a comb! You've seen the best! I'm the rest!" He played the hell out of Hawaii Five-O. I'd crack up, even though other riders hated him. His fee? A dollar or less. I'd pony up. Hey, he's busking and an alcoholic -- give him a break. I hope Bonnie drinks, too, with a gig that lame. I know I do...I mean, "would."

John strides into Richard's office. Richard apologizes for sucking. John says the client has a tumor that's benign, but he really did see his wife as a soccer ball, and John as a coat rack. Anyone care? Hellooo?

JBJ and Kid are playing poker. JBJ has two pair; Kid has a better hand, and rakes in the chips. Ally walks in, home from the bar, and says Bonnie was "such a smash" she was held over to do a later show. So, JBJ baby-sits, too? I HATE THIS SHOW. Kid asks, "What about the slumber party?" Oh, that will have to be just Ally, Kid, and JBJ now, I guess. Kid says, "Tell me about yourself. Just don't tell me you're a nightclub singer." JBJ and Ally exchange wry looks. Allow me to fill you in, Kid: JBJ is a nightclub singer, in a matter of speaking, ha ha ha. Ally's just a neurotic workaholic barfly, who often hallucinates and has multiple sex partners. Ally keeps her mouth shut, and scrapes up the poker chips for another hand.

Aerial shot of Boston, woo. In her kitchen, Ally disapprovingly stirs her big gaudy mug of coffee. Bonnie comes in, all bubbly about her two smash performances at the bar the night before. Bonnie says, "You should have been there," and Ally says, "I want [Kid] to come live with me. I want her! I-I'm serious." Ally thinks she can provide a better home for Kid, and she "wants [Kid]." That seems like a not at all selfish reason. Kid, be Ally's. The end. Oh damn, we're only forty minutes in. Sigh.

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Ally McBeal




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