Ally McBeal
A Kick In The Head

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Are You My Ally McMommy?

Previously on this crock of shit: Jon Bon Jovi was sent by the bank to bring Ally's "electrical system up to code." Mm-hmm. Then, he had to fix the "corroded pipes." Oh, it that what you call it? She had to hire JBJ. Yeah. And, Richard floundered in a series of clips from his appearances in court, stinking up the place and generally frustrating Albert Hall. He's a "litigator." Or something like that.

I break the seal on a new bottle just in time for an aerial shot of Boston at night. Vonda bleats. Ally is stretched out beneath her sink working on the plumbing. The sink erupts into a fountain. She didn't turn the pipes off first? Not that I ever messed around under my sink, but I know how to turn off pipes. She curses rapidly, and then there's a knock on the door to distract her, even though the closed captioning says "doorbell ringing." Hee. I have a sign on my door that says, "Knock, yo. Doorbell busted." I guess it happens in older homes. "It" being faulty doorbells. Ally goes to the door, and it's a little girl. They exchange hellos. Ally looks at her watch and says it's a little late, but she'll take six boxes. The kid says she isn't selling cookies. Please let her be a tiny assassin. Kid asks if Ally is "Allison McBeal," and whether she likes surprises. Oh, just come out with it already. Okay: Kid is Ally's daughter. "Ally McJunior," as someone said on the boards. For those of you with dropped jaws, this is how such a thing happened: Ally "harvested" some of her eggs and "stored them ten and a half" years ago. BY "MISTAKE," "at the facility," the eggs were given to a MAN, Richard Harrington, who died six months ago. Kid was passed off to "a wicked aunt," Kid took off this morning, and came to find her McMommy after two months of detective work. Ally? Passes out.

Vonda's been dooown, she's been down down down....

Aerial shot, drink. Woo! JBJ gets top billing, a Hayden someone second, then, the great Albert Hall.

Okay, Ally is in a nondescript (fertility, I guess) office, hollering at a guy in a suit who keeps saying he's "mortified." Ally expositionally says that she donated her eggs as part of an infertility study, and that she was supposed to be notified if they were ever used. Um, "egg harvesting" isn't like whacking off in a paper cup, you know. It's minor surgery. I'd buy Ally SELLING her eggs, like a lot of college co-eds do, but DONATING them? Right. For farce to work, it has to be at least GROUNDED in the real, and this is so very unreal, it's floating. David E. Kelley, stop it right now. Ally freaks out on the "mortified" guy about the girl in the waiting room who has Ally's eyes. It's true -- the casting is good. Ally McOffspring does resemble the original, but with curly hair. Mr. Mortified says, "This could be a blessing." Ally is all, "A BL-ESSING? A BLE-ESSING!? You plop a ten-year-old girl down in someone's lap and...." The kid is standing right there and heard Ally. Okay, the kid's dad is dead -- WHAT ABOUT HER MOM? Was she a test-tube baby? Oh, forget it.

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Ally McBeal

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