Ally McBeal
All Of Me

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | Grade It Now!
Double Indemnity, Dammit

Ally's office. A soft-spoken bearded guy, Helen/Helena's husband, sits doormat-ily in front of Ally and John. John is leafing through a journal of Helen's poems, which are, supposedly, "beautiful." Lord, hear my prayer: I don't want to hear any fucking poetry tonight. The DEK poetry slam can fuck right off. I like Blake, Donne, Shakespeare's sonnets, and some Dorothy Parker verse. Everything else passing as a poem can blow me. I don't even look at the poems in the New Yorker. My eye bounces off them like a rubber superball. If I am vinegar, poetry is like oil. You get me? No. Poetry. Anyway, Helen is the writer. Helena reads them nightly, but never touches pen to page. And, the Bearded One "hasn't seen Helen in over a year." He's only seen Helena. They all set off to see the doctor.

While striding cowboy-like through the office, bells toll and some studio hack goes "huh!" to the pounding music. John, Ally, and Beard cross paths with Liza, Fish, and Helena. Helena tells Beard he "can't win this." And what is he doing here? He's Ally's client -- along with Helen. Ally cryptically asks to "speak with her." Helena barks, "NO!" Yeah, what does Ally think this is, a séance parlor trick with that fake Jamaican psychic?

Boston by air, whee, wooo! Judge Albert Hall, presiding. He's all, what-what-whaaat? One personalities...two personalities...ay, yi yi! ¡Dios mio! Liza and Cage stand in front of him and argue the "merits" of the "case." I guess Liza's choosing to forget she was ever hot for John, like, three weeks ago. John argues that he can represent Helen, since she has only "emerge[d]" for Ally. Liza is all, "SquarePants! Helena hired us to represent her!" John objects to the SquarePants thing. Fish says, "He watches SpongeBob, your honor." Judge Hall is all, "Who in the hell is SpongeBob?" Hee. John suggests that Helen's doctor come in and testify. Helena leaps to her feet and says that's Helen's doctor, "not [hers]." John says he was Helen's doctor until Helena "usurped" Helen. Helena corrects him: "Saved me." The judge says he wants to hear from this doctor after lunch.

Everyone exits the courtroom. Helena faces Beard and evilly says, you won't win! Hahahahahaha! Why you even try, foolish man? Beard is all, Helen? Are you in there? I swear I'm only paraphrasing a little bit. Ally steps up and gingerly says, "Helen? Can I talk to you?" Kyra Sedgwick's eyes turn from steely and determined to soft and confused. "Ally? Is that you?" Damn, she's a good actress. And I love her curly hair! Liza looks a little pissed off that Helen emerged. Beard hugs Helen to him. Helen asks what "she" is trying to do now. Helena is angling for a divorce. Beard says expositionally that Helena emerges when Helen's "scared or confused." Fish steps up and says, "BOO," his fingers right in Helen's face. Liza laughs evilly, and I have to say, this shit makes no sense. Like, what the fuck? Beard says he'll "never let [her] go," and Helen looks fawn-like and helpless. He cries that he missed her, and hugs her to him. She relaxes her body into his, then cries out. Her body stiffens. "Helen is gone. Helen no mas. [Helena's] late for lunch." She strides off. Beard cries out after her, "Come baaack!" Liza smiles hugely and follows Helena. Sick.

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Ally McBeal




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