What a lost opportunity. Ally strolls around the place, checking out JBJ's large, colorful artwork. Ally calls them "paintings of naked women." He calls them "abstract nudes." I call it "ersatz Picasso-esque crap only slightly more interesting than the abstract works of Kelly's cokehead painter boyfriend Colin on Beverly Hills, 90210." ["And Colin ended up on Third Watch, too. Coincidence?" -- Wing Chun] Ally can't get over the fact that Victor never mentioned the fact that he paints, let alone that he paints pictures of "beautiful naked women with perfect bodies." And do these "beautiful naked women with perfect bodies come on to" Victor, or "know [Ally] even exist[s]?" Well, he does have a reason for keeping his brush habit a secret. He's been working on a portrait of Ally for her birthday. Ally reclines, cat-like, seduced by this bit of information. Can she see it? Sure. He gestures to a covered canvas. She gets up and removes the sheet, and -- surprise! -- loves the garish piece. She had fun picking out pieces of herself. An arm here, an eye there, a foot over there -- but "what-what-what-what-what's that?" That is "a buttock." Over there is "another buttock." The artist-formerly- known-as-JBJ's renditions of Ally's buttocks are oblong in shape and textured in a way that makes Ally uncomfortable. Angry, even. A car screeching on its brakes sounds. Did he dare paint cellulite on her ass? JBJ thinks the "texture" give an ass some "character." Oh, Ally's has plenty of that. What it "doesn't have is cottage cheese." Oh, for the love of god. Ally McBeal is famous for being ANOREXIC. Are we supposed to feel badly for her fictional body image issues when ON TELEVISION she appears to be scary thin? Yes, Ally has no fat anywhere on her body. Her ass? Fat-free. Victor painted her a painting, and she doesn't like it because he layered some paint on his version of her buttocks? Whatever. She storms out, and passes a beautiful woman with a perfect body, ready to strip down and pose for JBJ. JBJ tells the model that she's "a little early, but otherwise, perfect timing." Ally looks insane as she glares at the model's flat abdomen. Yeah. See, body-insecurity issues are just not funny. And the Victoria's Secret ad with the jiggling boobs, which follows this scene? Not funny either.
Episode Report Card1467 USERS: C+
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