Ally McBeal
Another One Bites The Dust

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Ally and Victor Bite the Dust

Wow, a disclaimer? This takes me back to the days when I recapped NYPD Blue. That show had heft. And I'm not just talking about Jimmy Smits's ass. I'm talking about that guy that plays Baldwin's ass, too. Mmm, Baldwin's ass. Oh, right, Ally McBeal is on and will be featuring "adult" (as if) "sexuality" that "may not be appropriate" for "younger" viewers. And this is different from every other episode of Ally McBeal how? Will they show penetration? Say "sex-jism" again? Pull out all the sexy stops you can; you're still canceled. Hey, DEK, ever think of airing a disclaimer saying "this show contains bad writing that may offend viewers with brains in their heads"?

Previously, Ally McBeal was taken off life support and given a few episodes in which to slowly die. We met Christina Ricci, a.k.a. Miss Liza Bump, who came on to John Cage in a hot tub wearing her cute little gingham bikini. She is very skinny. She hired a new guy, Wilson Jade, to litigate (he used to be on Third Watch -- my condolences, dude), and bonded with Nelle over a case in which a wife sues her sleazy husband for making sexual advances on her. Like, he wrapped his wiener in cheese and put ketchup on it and asked her to have a taste. Which aired without a disclaimer. Dame Edna asked Ally if she and Victor fight, and though in that conversation Ally admitted that they don't, the editors cut in a screaming outdoor fight she and Victor did have. So, even though fighting = passion, she and Victor were fighting, yet on the rocks? Ally, thou art fucked in the head. Thou shalt be canceled.

Ally and Victor walk into her darkened house, hauling luggage. Ally says, "Home sweet home." Victor says, "Yep." Ally says that could be what he says, when he walks into his home. Yeah, it could. But where's Maddie? Oh, she's due back in a day, since they came home a day early, remember? Yeah, he does. And "Bermuda is overrated," too. Ally mutters under her breath that "the Triangle area would probably be more fun." JBJ asks Ally to admit that she had a lousy time on vacation with him. Ally speedily says that she had a "wonderful" time, and maybe it was he who didn't have a wonderful time. JBJ picks up the luggage, moves toward the steps, and suggests that she go do her hair. Um, what did he say? What did he say? Was that a hair crack? From JBJ? Former hair-metal GOD? Ally informs him that his hair takes a lot of doing itself, and that "each strand probably has its own stylist." Victor denies even combing his hair. Ew, And, so? Ally says, "If you put the tine into something, it pays off." And that's a dis how? JBJ says he's leaving, and as Ally opens the door, a perky, chirpy, smile-y brunette hands him a summons. He's being sued. Ally says, "Hmm," and purses her collagen-injected mouth. That's all the reaction we get? Go do your hair.

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Ally McBeal




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