Ally McBeal
Another One Bites The Dust

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Ally and Victor Bite the Dust

Ally's reading on her couch. There's a knock on the door. It's JBJ. He's brought her a ticket to Detroit, to go visit Larry. He thinks she needs "to go settle things." As they fight, I check out Ally's outfit. Grey cashmere sweater, with a kitty-cat head on it; nice clean olive-green pants. I love it. I wear stuff like that all the time. They fight some more about Ally not being over Larry yet, and I wonder where she got that sweater. Milk Fed? Fred Segal? Seriously, hook a sister up. Ally tells JBJ that he has "seriously overplayed [his] hand," and that "this mess is [her] life, and [she] choose[s] to live it this way." She has tears on her cheeks. Watch the cute sweater! She opens the door, then closes it. She doesn't "take well to being controlled." JBJ says her past is controlling her. She opens the door again, and says he can say goodbye to Maddie tomorrow. This time, he walks out.

Miss Bump exits the shower, clad in a cute bathing suit, with Richard trailing. He's not spent yet. She commands that he get on the bed and lie still. She climbs up to her diving board, then does a neat somersault and lands on top of him. You can see her total ass, and still, she's so skinny she's "now 20% less hot," says my boyfriend. Miss Bump asks if Richard can imagine what it's like to make love to her. Oh yeah, says Richard. She hops off him. Because she's "not a slut!" And if he can imagine the sex, well, "curiosity satisfied!" Or something.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's JBJ, knocking on Ally's door. JBJ knocking on Ally's door who? JBJ breaking up with Ally, because she sucks. She admits that she's sabotaging their relationship, because she knows they're "not it" for each other. JBJ says he saw himself marrying her. Ally saw herself marrying him. But, can you see them married? That's a negatory, good buddy. Here, my boyfriend asks whether I ever gave this breakup speech to any guy, and I haven't. I've found that if you say "I've been thinking" in a serious enough tone, that that one simple phrase does a lot of the work for you. Who has time for boring speeches? So, they break up, but they're still going to talk. Very sad goodbyes are exchanged. I can't yell it loudly enough: BORING.

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Ally McBeal

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