Ally McBeal
Another One Bites The Dust

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Ally and Victor Bite the Dust

Miss Bump, post-workout sweaty and barely clad in a brief red lycra tank and shorts, strolls through the office. Richard sees her and lusts for her. Yeah, we get it. Dame Edna pops up, the virtual cold water on his (and everyone else's) genitals. Has he read Cyrano? No, but he's seen the movie Roxanne, and, you know, seen other TV shows when people rip off Cyrano. He's also seen Pretty Woman, and many other rip-offs of Pygmalion. Dame Edna, in spite of the fact that she loathes Miss Bump, will help Richard snare Miss Bump. She can "push that button's buttons." Miss Bump pops up; Richard tries to hide. Does the office "not have shower facilities?" Miss Bump is all "sweaty" and needs to bathe. But actually, she likes being sweaty. It's a "tropical, moist feeling." Richard stammers, twists his newspaper into a knot, then admits to Dame Edna that he can use help in talking to Miss Bump. Dame Edna calls Miss Bump " a sweaty Betty."

Victor's depo. His art dealer -- in another could-be-interesting- if-it-were-better-written cameo, played as well as Vanessa Williams can muster -- testifies that Victor showed "bad faith" when he reneged on his contract to her, to deliver eight paintings in 2001. He only delivered three. Ally says the contract said "up to eight," therefore not binding him to that number -- and was it "bad faith" he was exhibiting in a professional or personal capacity? Vanessa Williams quickly veers off the fact path and into TMI territory. Oh, he would have been a lot less likely to paint had he made love to her as often as she would have liked. And, PS, Victor is "an ass man." Want to hear more about his "fetishes"? Yeah, Ally wants to hear more. Um, like this matters? Oh, right, the show is based around this stupid shit. My bad. Victor likes "asymmetrical asses," and "cellulite gives a butt character." He dumped his dealer because Vanessa Williams's ass is "more conventionally beautiful." Oh, boy. Victor pleads to settle, he's so embarrassed. He says he left because Vanessa was "falling in love" with him. Vanessa shoots back, "Is that why you stopped painting?" He says it was. Vanessa yells, "There, he just admitted he stopped painting! Breach." Ally knows she's stuck.

Nelle walks in on New Guy Wilson watching the sex tape. He has an idea. An "evil" idea. The "best kind" of idea. Didn't Nelle have a special-effects house as a client? Call them up. Bum bum bummm!

Dame Edna is outfitting Richard with an earpiece so she can feed him Liza-winning dialogue in the bar. She'll be "speaking softly"; Richard, "carrying a big stick." Yeah. She meant his penis. That's P-E-N-I-S. She brays, "TESTING." Um, that's too loud. Ow. Whatever.

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Ally McBeal




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