Ally McBeal
Blowin' In The Wind

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C | Grade It Now!
Blowin' In The Wind

Vonda's been dooooown, she's been down, down, down!

Boston is all snowy. Elaine is all, "You bought the house!" Yeah, it happens that fast. Ally chirps, "Fifteen-day escrow!" Yeah, that too. It was the house she always...oh, god, it's French Stewart. He squints his way towards Ally, Elaine, and Richard, asking if Ally McBeal is in their gaggle, and that he's "in need of representation." Ally ROLLS HER EYES, admits to being herself, produces a horrible fake smile, and asks that French Stewart join her in her office. Hey, I'm no fan of Frenchie, but if he were to come to me and ask me to do some copywriting, I wouldn't ROLL MY EYES right in front of the guy! The professional thing to do is to wait until his back is turned!

Jenny and Corretta are in the Uni. Jenny is wearing the honking-est neck brace I've ever seen. She said she woke up like that. Corretta says she can help, and whips out a card for a chiropractor she knows. They're all quacks, says Jenny. Not this guy, says Corretta. And keep it a secret! On her suit, Corretta has a lapel pin so enormous it looks like a floral arrangement you'd put on a table in an old folk's home.

Ally looks over French Stewart's paperwork. His wife "convinced a district attorney" that he "criminally defrauded" her. Frenchie says it was because he used to give her gifts, but that he "ran out of money." Then he remembers, one night in the kitchen...the scene gets all hazy and we flash back to a lady holding a salad bowl and singing, "Hit the Road, Jack." French looks at her with his one, squinty, bemused expression. His face only has one setting. Which, for an actor, may be a little limiting. Or, maybe it makes him "branded" -- you know, like when you hire French Stewart, you know just what you're getting. Namely, the same crappy shtick he always comes up with. Anyway, Ally is all, "She sang it? That seems odd." Yeah, it is. And Frenchie still loves her a lot. He thinks if he can solve the money problems, everything will be fine.

Jenny's at the chiropractor, who feels her neck and asks, "First time?" Because that is such a loaded question to someone visiting a specialist, Jenny is all, "What?" Yeah, I know you know what he meant. So with two twists of her head, and two horrible-sounding cracks, the chiropractor fixes up her neck. Then he asks her to perch on a chair, which vibrates oddly. She says "gee" about fifteen times, her eyes flutter rapidly in her head, and I guess she's having an orgasm. I don't even want to talk about it.

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Ally McBeal




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