Ally McBeal
Blue Christmas

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Blue Christmas

Vonda gets out "Hushabye, don't you cry" when my cat runs over to my balcony and dangles a bag of my Christmas presents over the edge. "Get her to shut up or so help me God, I'll drop all of these and put hairballs in your stocking!" I hit the mute button. Ally holds Elliot in the fifteenth Baby-Holding scene this episode. Billy walks in and asks if Ally is babysitting. She says that Elaine went to the bathroom. Billy asks to hold the baby a couple of times, but Ally won't let him. She asks what the thing is with babies. Is it because they are so innocent? Billy says that maybe they project their hopes and dreams on babies, and that's what makes them so special. Ally LTLs and LTRs and says that seven years ago she thought she'd be standing there with Billy with their own baby. I think the special power this baby has is to bring out long and clichéd monologues. The snow falls outside, to keep the moment. Ally brings up his bleached head. Billy brings up the fact that she's going to go parading on stage like she's "Eartha Kitt." Ally says she can be sexy. Billy starts to try to talk her out of it, and then changes his mind. The baby makes a noise. Billy asks what happened to them. Ally says she doesn't know. Close-up on the baby. Man, that kid is making a killing this episode. Fade to black.

Apparently Malcolm in the Middle is "finally" proving to us that not all families are normal and that "sometimes" the funniest families are the ones that aren't yours. Premieres right after The Simpsons.

"I can't believe she's singing," Billy says. "It's the new Ally," Renee says. "I'm bored," says Ling. I'll take door number three, Bob. So, Ally comes out wearing Elaine's old Santa's Naughty Mrs. Claus outfit. My boyfriend asks, "How come she looks so much like the Grinch?" Since I don't want to indulge the MALE FANTASY ALERT, let me just give the summary. Ally sluts down the stage, takes a cherry off a pie that's held out in front of her like she's living in a material world, removes the cherry off the toothpick with her mouth and spits it out on some guy's lap. She grinds on Richard's lap as he sticks his face in her boobs and then fingers her wattle. He slips a hundred-dollar bill between her nubbies, but she pulls it out and throws it back at him. Elaine sings along in the background while holding the baby. Someone did Ally's hair for this, and it finally looks like real hair. Richard comments that Ally is "good." Oh, and Ally constantly has this vacant stare on her face like she's totally 'luded up and doesn't notice the men around her. After smashing Richard in the face to push him away she says "If you jack off my...Christmas list." It was probably "check off," but Ally is singing in this baby-talk way that makes it hard to understand. She humps John for a while to show off her fishnets, but John looks embarrassed. She fondles Ling for a second so that the teenaged boys will stop writing in letters asking for FOX to re-run the "Hot Girl on Girl Action" episode. She goes over to Billy and fondles his head and then jams her fingers in his mouth. Billy! You know where those fingers have been? Oh yeah. In her mouth for the past year. Ew. Pruny. Billy is all turned on like he's never seen this side of her before, blah, blah, blah, slutcakes. Elaine gets a page and everyone runs to court. Ally tries to hide her dirty pillows in front of the judge, but it really doesn't matter. Elaine worries about why she had to bring Elliot.

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Ally McBeal

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