Ally McBeal
Blue Christmas

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Blue Christmas

Ally says that Elaine has to turn the baby in. Elaine says she can't. Ally says it's criminal. Elaine says she wants to keep him. This is all going at rapid-fire, since Jane Krakowski is under contract to speak Elaine's lines as quickly as possible. Elaine says that she took the baby to a doctor and he's fine. How she got that kid to see a doctor without charts or a NAME is beyond me. I can't even get my cat to the vet without five forms. Ally says that the baby belongs to someone, and he was abandoned and needs to be turned into the authorities. Ally doesn't want Elaine to go to jail. Elaine doesn't want the baby to go to a foster home or back with the mother that abandoned him in the first place. Ally says that she has to go to the police. Elaine says that she would, but that she'd like to know if there's any way she could still keep him.

"I doubt it," John says in a new scene. He's playing with the rake from his rock garden. He says that the baby will go right into Social Services. Ally says that Elaine can't kidnap him. John says that if they could show possession, Elaine would have a better case. "What we need do [sic]...You really...?" "Yes," Elaine says. "What we need do [sic]...is notify the police and Social services as we petition for custody. Any chance you could lactate?" Elaine begs his pardon, but not without a smile. John starts to explain that the courts will be looking for the best interests of the child, and that some adoptive mothers have been known to start lactating. Elaine, never missing a moment, whips out her left breast and starts pushing it towards the baby. "Here, take it," she says, which prompts John to start Porky Pigging and for Ally to stop all of this madness with her ever-calm demeanor and say, "All right." The Porkying continues as the baby keeps whimpering and not taking the breast until John is just stuttering, "Teat, tit, teat, tit, teat." I guess that's just what I had asked for when I requested that the name of a female body be said on Ally McBeal instead of the boring old "penis." I had asked for something like "vulva," and instead I got "tit." Well, boys will be boys, won't they?

"Macho Man" starts playing, which of course means we're going to be treated to another scene with everybody's favorite Bleach Boy, Billy, with his newest track off Pet Sounds II: "I Just Pooted." Billy is shirtless, and lifting ten-pound weights like he's cooler than Kevin Spacey. He turns around so that we can watch him from behind. He looks like Susan Powter. Billy's assistant walks in so that we can get the patented Record Screech, and he stops working out and puts down his dumbbells. Well, two of them, anyway. The assistant is asking if Billy needs her to invite anyone to the Christmas party for him, but he says that he's probably not going. He says this as he towels off just his chest hair with his towel. Hey, is that drool on my mouth? No, it's snot from when I just snorted in disgust. Pretty Assistant tells Billy that he should go to the party even if Georgia -- referred to in this scene only as "she" -- is there. She says that when her parents split up, her dad asked her mom on a date and they "started over" from there. Maybe Billy needs to ask Georgia on a date, or at least a dance. Billy (along with the rest of the free world) is pretty sure that Georgia won't go for it. "Well," Pretty Assistant says, "If it's important, it's important. If it isn't, it isn't." She leaves us with that stunning remark, and there is only the sound of the impish piano as we all furrow our brows for a second thinking, "What the hell does that mean?" and then unfurrow, shrug and say, "I really don't care, anyway. I hate the new man."

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Ally McBeal

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