In the interest of time I'm going to set forth an MBTV Ally Abbreviation. LTR: Looks to the right. LTL: Looks to the left. You'll thank me later.
Back to the "lesbian erotica." "Have you ever dreamt about it?" Ling asks. Ally closes her eyes for a while with her mouth gaping open and then does a tiny LTR before she says she doesn't really want to talk about it. Ling asks if it is because they aren't friends. Ally LTL's. LTR's and says "Well," LTL, "yes." She starts head-nodding as she says, "I like parts of you, Ling, I think you are...uh," LTR..."nice. But, but I wouldn't exactly say," she lifts her hand to her forehead and LTR, "that we are friends. Would you?" Ling says she guesses not and lowers her eyes so she doesn't have to see Ally complete another LTR, which she immediately does. Ling picks her head up and says, "Maybe we should work on that." Ally widens her eyes, LTL, LTR, "Well, uh, okay." "How 'bout we go to dinner," Ling smiles, "just the two of us." "Well," Ally says with a LTR, "sure." Ling is very happy about the upcoming "lesbian date." She leaves with her hips swinging. Ally does a final LTR as the opening credits begin to roll.
Let me say that I've never really watched Ally McBeal before, and I have a feeling I'm about to enter the hell that is Vonda Shepard.
Upbeat piano plays as we see different skylines, bridges and streets before we settle on Ally telling Renee that gay people love her. I don't see how anyone can love her in that orange stripey shirt, but whatever. "Gay women love you?" Renee coos, and she pushes her chest out. I check her cleavage for missing persons. Ally asserts that gay women are attracted to her. "Ling isn't gay," Renee says, holding her hand by her cleavage in case my attention was elsewhere for some reason. "Well," Ally starts with a quick LTR and a fake to the LTL with a mean LTR follow-up, "maybe she's bisexual, who knows?" Ally covers her eyes with her hands, I assume because she's getting dizzy. "I think she asked me out on a date," Ally says with her eyes pointed upward. Are her lines written on various walls around the studio? "And you said yes," Renee pouts. "Well, well, well," LTR, "I couldn't be sure," LTR, "that it was a date. She guised it in 'let's be friends,'" LTR, "but that's how gay women do it." LTR. "They send mixed signals." LTR. "I mean, say what you want about men," Long LTR, "but at least they're obvious." Renee tells Ally to calm down and that if anything were to come up Ally could just say no. Ally is too busy LTRing and fingering a pencil to listen to Renee. "As a general rule," she says, and then jolts with a LTR and asks where Whipper is. Renee tells her with a LTL she's out. Ally tells Renee that "as a general rule" the thought of kissing a woman "grosses [her] out. Ick." Ally tells Renee through six, count 'em, six LTRs that the thought of kissing certain women, however, doesn't gross her out, and that Ling happens to be one of those women. Renee tells her not to worry. Ally continues to worry, because she's Ally. "You're a perfectly normal dyke," Renee tells her, and I can hear David E. Kelley sniggering in the background. Ally gives her the 360 eye-roll. "Kidding," Renee says like she's six. Oh, that's her voice. Sorry. Ally's eyes go batshit as she asks Renee why she's so worried about what she's going to wear and why is this all affecting her so much. Renee pulls down her blazer to pump up her cleavage, cocks her head, glistens her eyes and says, "You're worried about what will happen if opportunity and curiosity collide." Ally holds her pencils like chopsticks and says (LTR) she's not going to kiss Ling. Renee leans in and floats her head back and forth while she sexes up Ally with, "You might have the slightest...itty-bitty little urge." Renee says she's about to go off to court. She pulls down her jacket/top thing to pop out Thing One and Thing Two and asks how she looks. Ally tells her she looks like she's about to go sing Karaoke. Renee LTR, smiles and says, "Great."