Vonda's been doooooown, she's been down, down down....
I'd like to say that all the papers across the country that wasted space to eulogize the cancellation of Ally McBeal are wack. This was a popular show, an award-winning show, but never a good show. It was outrageous and had lots of visual style, but at its heart (and soul), it just wasn't good. Crazy and daffy, yes. Good? No. Plus, it really sucked lately (many critics took space to explain recent plot developments to their readers), and was generally unwatched all season. So, why all the fanfare in the papers? I really don't get it. Fuck all that "quirky" "catchphrase" shit. Ally McBeal was a live-action Cathy cartoon, celebrating insecurities and neuroses, presenting fucked-up ideas about gender, and showing a totally false workplace environment. Not to mention all the very bad fashion. Good riddance. Plus, you could have called me for a quote. XM Satellite Radio were the only ones who called.
Okay, Boston at night, lit-up and lovely. Woo, whee, we fly through the air. The piano pounds with authority. We land back at Ally's house, where Maddie lies on the couch and says how embarrassed she is for passing out. A doctor inspects her; firefighters mills around in the background. Ally called the fire department. Ha ha, how quirky! The doctor says Maddie isn't running a fever. Then why did she faint, asks Ally? The doctor says it could have been a panic attack, or Maddie could be pregnant. Wow, I thought she was ten. That is some hardcore shit. Ally just stares, blank and frozen. Hello? Hell-ooo?
Cage, Fish and McBeal. Staff meeting. Richard has an announcement. Nelle asks if he's changing the name of the firm to Cage, Fish, McBeal and Bump. Close! Richard and Liza are getting married. Or rather, he's "taking Liza for [his] first wife." And Liza takes him for her "very first husband." Elaine says, "What?" Ally stammers out that those two are getting married? Yes. They're getting married. Liza chirps that "after the age of thirty, [a woman] has a better chance of being struck by lightning!" I think that's untrue. Kaboom, sizzle sizzle. Just kidding, she said, smoking gently. They're planning a big wedding in June. This June. What's the rush? asks Ray. They want to be married for their "sexual peak years. And what is love if not a risk?" And if it doesn't work out? "Bygones!" Aww. The happy couple kiss. Ally looks blank again, some more.