Ally McBeal

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 4 USERS: C+

Are you ready to say goodbye? To relive five years of memories out of context and edited for maximum nostalgic impact? Let it begin. Oh, hooray, a five-year-long "previously" clip show. Previously, a five-years-younger Ally McBeal climbed up a bookshelf ladder and got her ass grabbed, bonked the ass-grabber on the head with a legal tome, and quit. She then ran into Richard Fish, who "just started" his own firm, and wanted Ally to "join [them] today!" She ran into Billy, her childhood-through-college love, and was devastated (literally, in her mind, shot-through-with-arrows) at the news that he was married. Richard, Ally, and others said, "Bygones." Whatchoo talking 'bout, "bygones"? Fish fingered Ling and murmured, "Chinese wattle." Georgia and Ally yelled, "Ob!Jection!" (The closed captioning actually inserts the exclamation point into the word. Oy.) Billy said, "Bitch," Ally said, "Man." Ling said "bite [her] head off," then Ally hallucinated actually biting the head off someone else. Lots of fists were smacked into palms. Ray and Glenn hit each other in the boxing ring of Ally's imagination. More people got socked. Elaine and Ally stalked the office; Elaine said, "Anything can happen here; [Ally] keep[s] forgetting we don't live in the real world." Ally opened a bathroom-stall door, and Barry Manilow sang, "Eeeeven noooow!" Fish opened the door to John's hole and screamed. Corretta hopped up from a toilet and screamed, too. A few more screams, and then we get Ally's horrible screamy sob from when Billy died. John said, "What balls, move on." Judge Hall said, "Who in the hell is SpongeBob?" A "sex" montage, where many characters said "sex." Ling asked that Richard "do [her] knee." We see a Hitachi Magic Wand, and a naked Elaine on Ally's desk. Men chanted, "Penis." Montage of Ally's relationship disasters: she squirted whipped cream on Larry, JBJ said he's "done." She asked a timid John if he "knows what [he's] doing." He said he did. Ally crashed onto a Christmas tree. More pratfalls. A sword lopped the heads off Jenny and Glenn. Dame Edna said, "Hellew!" Maddie appeared at Ally's door and said she's Ally's daughter. Ally collapsed.

Right now, on Ally McBeal: this is the last episode ever. Yay! Lights up on Ally's Very Very Very Fine House. Maddie's on the couch, thermometer in her mouth. She says, "Serial dater?" That's what Ally just pronounced herself to be; she says she's gone out with "every man in Boston." And none of them worked out, except Larry, and Greg, which worked until Renee "stole him away" from Ally. Well, not "stole", but "they sang a song together." Maddie looks skeptical. So, that's why Renee left! It all makes sense now. Not. Ally checks the thermometer: 100.2. Ally wonders if Maddie has strep throat, since she seems to have a recurring bug. Yeah, we noticed. They go up to bed, Maddie groaning all the way. Ally goes back to the couch to fetch the Motrin, and Maddie continues up the stairs, until she says, "Uh oh," sways, and collapses. Ally screams and pokes at the huddled lump on the floor, then runs away.

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Ally McBeal




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