Ally McBeal
Bygones

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 4 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Bygones

Whoo, whee, Boston by air. Reverend Buck is getting dressed in Richard's office, for the wedding ceremony. He's going to be fitted into a harness/halter, so that when he collapses from all the emotion, John can just pull the handle and he'll snap awake. The robe covers the harness. Sounds genius, no? No. John asks if he's "supposed to be the best man or the designated rope tugger?" Fish says he's both, so "just do it!" John says he still doesn't understand the reasons motivating Fish to get hitched. Fish says "a lot of people elope on a whim"; he just "wants his friends there, and Ally there." Oh, yes, don't let's forget Ally, the greatest thing ever in all our lives. Reverend Buck fiddles with his halter for "comedic" "relief."

Ally sits alone in the bar. She looks likes she smells a fart. Renee walks in, all voluptuous curves in a painted-on black dress. Watch it jiggle! Renee sits at Ally's table and asks if Ally remembers all the memories they shared. Ally is all, yeah, whatever. Does Ally remember that time Renee dared her to tell a dirty joke? Ally cringes so horribly it makes me cringe. We get a flashback of the joke-telling experience, something about a flea hiding in pubic hair, then ending up in a biker's beard. It's sort of funny. Whether I laughed would depend on who told it to me. And hardly anyone laughs at Ally. Elaine walks in, barely says hi to Renee, and asks Ally if she's doing "one-on-ones now." Oh, and she's "wanted upstairs."

The wedding is happening. Reverend Buck begins droning on, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the..." yawning and snoring of the drawn-out last episode finally over but who really cares. The whole office is standing, present and accounted for. Corretta and Nelle bicker. Dame Edna asks if she looks all right. Not really. Wilson snarks, and Ally shushes him.

Okay, here's the part lame-o Wanda "spoiled" for everyone: Ally falls into a reverie in which the Reverend Buck asks if Ally takes "Billy, Larry, Victor, whoever, to be [her] lawful wedded husband." Ally nods frenetically, and says, "Mmm hmm," all gussied up in a veil and gown. Now that's some closure for you! Wanda sucks. Dream-Ally nods and nods as Reverend Buck asks if she does; then she's snapped out of it by Liza's real-life reply: "Duh! That's why I'm here."

Okay, time for Fish and Liza to exchange rings, and their own personally written vows. Liza goes first, her inner eyelids rimmed and her hair pulled back so tightly she has a five-head. She says she assumes everyone thinks she's getting married because she's "sick of being a virgin and wants to have sex in keeping with her values." Um, she's a virgin? That's news. Dame Edna rolls her eyes so hard I can hear them grind against her skull. Maybe that little factoid could have come out during all her various hot, "I'm-not-a-slut, honest," cock-teasing scenes. Liza admits that she really loves Richard, and that she's "not a person who loves easily, if at all." You know, I didn't think wedding vows were a time for short personal admissions (I though maybe you'd want to mention something nice about the person standing there with you, in formal wear), but Liza's speech is perhaps the least unselfish thing I've heard her say. Aw? Naw. Reverend Buck slumps, and is righted by the harness. Richard then makes a little speech to the effect that he's sure everyone's wondering if he and Liza will be having safe sex tonight, or if they're "going to donate the Trojans to a shelter." A shelter made out of wood, perhaps, in an equine shape? Heh. Then he says that while safe sex has "always come easy...safe love, never." Whoops, there goes my dinner.

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Ally McBeal

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