Ally McBeal

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | 4 USERS: C+

Woo, more Boston by air. Back at the bar, the party is still going on. Elaine sings "Lady Marmalade." She's joined by Renee, but they don't share the stage -- they fight for the spotlight, and Elaine isn't budging an inch. She's in fine voice, and Renee is taken aback at Elaine's attitude. She wants it! She won't back down! Renee, you're going to have to fight. Fight and lose. Just like your tenure on this show. Everyone watches, amused at the kittens fighting. Reowr.

Ally gets off the elevators in the office, alone. The piano is sad as she looks around. She's still wearing a sheer top and a miniskirt. She enters her office and sighs heavily. Flashback time: Billy says he never imagined you could meet the person of your dreams in second grade. Ally kvells. Then, in now-time, Georgia walks up and says, "Heeey! What're you thinking about!" This is where, at home, I yelled, "SAY 'BILLY'! SAY WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING!" But, because David E. Kelley never listens to me, Ally just says, "Stuff." Georgia continues pulling teeth and says how hard it is to say goodbye. Ally lies and says it isn't goodbye, and that she plans to stay in touch. Yeah, right. Georgia says she meant the office itself, and that lots of things happened in here. Really. And the sky is blue. Ally flashes back to a tender kiss she and Billy shared. Ally then stammers, "What-wh-wh-what d'you mean?" Billy was married to Georgia, in case there are some of you wjp just started watching this season and don't know the subtext here. Oh, what am I saying? No one started watching Ally McBeal this season! Georgia vaguely says that "stuff happened. Memories?" Ally laughingly says that "a room is a room -- you know, four walls." Georgia gives up, and says she'll leave Ally "alone with these four walls." Seriously, they could have had a conversation, there, about Ally's lost love and Georgia's late husband. Ally blew it. But then, she always does. She has a Larry flashback: Larry's "only seen the tip of the neurotic iceberg. [She's] demented. Self-absorbed. Vain. Maybe incapable of letting [her]self be loved." Larry says Ally may need to work on that. Maybe start soon? Oh, right. Canceled.

John interrupts Ally's stupid reverie. She says she thought he was avoiding her. He protests. She says that they "haven't talked about this." Well, did she seek him out? She didn't talk about it with ANYONE -- not even Maddie. She even tried to shut Fish and Elaine out when they approached her. But whatever. Can. Celed. John says that there's nothing to say; he knows why she's leaving, and that it's the right decision, and she knows how he feels about her leaving, so there's no need for words. Ally says that may be. And, maybe not. WE maybe don't know, and maybe, Mr. Kelley, you could TRY to put your character's feeling into words. You call yourself a writer, right? Write. Oh, fuck you, man. John looks into the middle distance and says that Ally is "the soul of this place. In some way, [she's] become the soul of all of [them]. And [he's] afraid of what will happen when [she] goes." Ally says she thinks Jon is underestimating his own soul. Wow, that is so nothing. This show thinks it is so deep, and it is not. It's empty. Completely devoid of soul. So quit thinking you can just say the word "soul" and inject some emotion, or inspire feeling in people just by using the word. Look, I can do it too: David Soul is cool. Soul Train. Hot buttered soul.

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Ally McBeal




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