Ally McBeal
Car Wash

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Car Wash

The first episode of the season starts with enough shots to establish that it's a warm day in Boston. Then we see a pair of black shoes, then slim black pants -- is that a strip of flesh? -- a red and white horizontally striped shirt....Weird. Why is Olive Oyl on the show? Oh, wait -- it's Ally McBeal. Her hair is more stringy than usual. I wonder why. From the look on her face -- she looks like an amnesiac under inquisition -- I'm guessing it has something to do with a man.

Ally gets to the office and only John is there. I'm going to ignore the fact that she has no purse and her jeans are too tight for keys to fit into the pockets. John follows her into her office and starts trying to find out why she's all wet. It seems that she was driving through an automated car wash when she shared "a look" with an undershirted car-wash employee. The "look" had something to do with knowing each other in a past life or waiting to meet each other in this one. Or something. Ally felt haunted. The Car Wash Guy, who looked like a young Robert Urich ["and was played by Jason 'Iron Eagle' Gedrick" -- Wing Chun], got into Ally's car and the two of them started "reading each others' fantasies." They kissed. Then they got out of the car and had sex in the car wash.

I swear that's what happened. That's how they started the show. Not only that, but there was a nauseatingly detailed flashback sequence. I don't want to be vulgar, but it is my job to recap this show for you, so I have to tell you that Ally wears a white tank top instead of a bra and she likes it from behind. I'm sorry, but you had to find out somehow. Just be glad, you who forgot to set your VCR, that you don't have the image of Ally's Sex Scene Face seared into your brain, like I do. That gaping black maw...the contorted lips under the razor-sharp nose...it was like something out of Hieronymous Bosch's sketchbook. I can't stop shuddering.

So Ally haltingly tells the story and then goes on to explain that they didn't "make love," they did that other word, that "vulgar verb." And that she wants to do it again. John somehow manages to seem fascinated instead of repulsed. His nose whistled. Ally makes a face as if she's taking a breath after struggling up through twenty feet of sewer water. Meanwhile, I'm trying to understand why, after having sex with a stranger in a car wash, a woman would walk to work and not to her own home or to the clinic. Maybe that's something you learn in law school.

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Ally McBeal

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