Ally McBeal

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Pamie: D | Grade It Now!

You know, these court scenes really don't seem necessary anymore, but this one's got Farrah in it and she's usually good for a laugh. She's on the stand talking about how she went from an assistant editor to the editor-in-chief when the head guy passed away. Right after that they started getting the "Blue Flu" with everyone calling in sick. They had called in so much that they missed their May publication deadline and shortly thereafter she was fired. We cut quickly to the cross-examination, done by Bulldog from Frasier. Uh, oh, it's dueling Funny Little Men. They keep calling her Mrs. Jones, and I keep humming "Me and Mrs. Jones." Bulldog asks why this is a sexual harassment case. She explains that they would pass out pamphlets calling her The Nymph and say they didn't want to work for a "sex siren." Poor baby. "That's sexual harrassment," Farrah squints. John keeps wiping his face with his hands as Billy nods his blonde bulb. Bulldog asks how the previous editor-in-chief died. Farrah says he had a heart attack. Bulldog gets her to admit that she was with him when he had this heart attack. John starts objecting, saying that there's no need to reiterate the relationship she had with the previous editor-in-chief because they've already noted that they had an intimate relationship. There's no need to say it again because they've already "fornicated it on the record." Billy looks at John with outrage as I hear David E. Kelley giggling in the background. David then takes out my high school yearbook and signs it, "To the girl with the biggest boobs. Hope to see the three of you again someday." Then he puts his hand to his mouth and makes a big farting noise and goes back behind the camera to eat paste. John Porkies a bit and then says "stipulated." I wonder if they make him do that impersonation because of his movie...Mrs. Jones admits that they were making love when he had the heart attack and that he was eighty-six. Bulldog asks what her position was when he was alive. Bulldog raises his hand and corrects himself, "Job title." When he gets her to admit that she went right from assistant to an editor to Editor-in-Chief without anything in-between he says, "Wow. That's quite a leap." The "Gold Digger" oboe begins its sad, sad song as Billy and John look down as if they didn't think of that line of defense before.

Ling is mad that Richard left her on Thanksgiving. He explains that Whipper was upset. Ling says she knows that she'll never compete with Whipper's Wattle because "she has creases and crevices and folds [she'll] never know in [her] lifetime." Richard says that Whipper also cares about him. Ling says she does too, "doesn't it show?" Richard drops his face into his hands to talk to her very carefully. He says that they have a good time together and laugh and stuff, but they never really talk about anything. Ling points out that his house is wired to prevent any serious discussions. He says that they know they aren't getting serious and they may be smarter than the people "out there" hurting themselves by looking for someone special, but maybe they are missing out on something by not being with someone who makes them feel special. Richard sticks his tongue out a lot to show he's really thinking. "So we're officially broken up," Ling asks as she cues the "Break-Up" piano piece. "Yes," Richard says. My phone rings, and it's Gwen. "He's mine, dammit." "He's gay!" I yell into the phone. A news flash appears at the bottom of the screen notifying women everywhere that Gwen already "has dibs." The end of the news flash reads, "Early bird gets the Fish, bitches! Ha, ha! Love, Gwen." Ling and Richard feel relieved that it's over, and Richard goes to use the facilities. "'Facilities' is code for makin' sweet love to me," I hear over my phone as I hang up on Gwen.

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Ally McBeal




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