Ally McBeal

Episode Report Card
Pamie: D | Grade It Now!

John is watching himself Porky out on every channel. Nelle begs him to turn if off. He says that they have no right to treat him that way, and he keeps stuttering until Nelle tells him to take deep breaths. We follow the deep breathing into the courtroom where the Head Guy is explaining why he had to fire Mrs. Jones because people didn't like working with her. Billy asks if she got a fair shot at proving herself and he says she probably didn't, since she only worked for one issue. Billy asks if circulation was up or down in that issue. It was up. (I get it, David. Up. Good subtle penis joke.)

Bulldog asks if circulation was up due to the semi-nude spread. Head Honcho says probably. Bulldog asks if he was surprised to find out that Mrs. Jones was picked to be the successor to the last publisher. "Nothing really surprises me," Head Honcho deadpans. He asks if he was surprised to find out that Mrs. Jones was having an affair with him. John stands up and starts shouting and raving about how the witness already answered that nothing really surprised him so this line of questioning is pointless. "Asked and answered. Asked and answered. Asked and answered. Asked and answered. Asked and answered...Are you going to keep grilling him until you get the answer that you like?" The judge tells Cage to calm down and Cage retorts that he can't blow his top, he can't blow his shoes, can he even blow his nose anymore? He brags that he can make it whistle and then does so. He's more like Bugs Bunny now than Porky Pig. Billy is livid. In the secret side room he tells John that he's off the case and needs to go home. John says that Billy can't take him off the case because he's an associate and then he starts stuttering some more. Billy says he doesn't know what's going on, and John tells him to just leave it at that. Mrs. Jones promptly fires John. He packs his things and leaves. More oboe as Billy stares at Mrs. Jones without emotion.

In the Unisex, Georgia is washing her hands as Ling enters from a stall wearing what I can only describe as a bulletproof vest. Ling starts asking Georgia about Ally's father. Georgia doesn't want to talk about it. Ling says she was just looking for some companionship since she broke up with Richard and she's sorry she turned to her. Georgia offers to help. Ling says that Ally's dad was pretty cute, so if Georgia's done with him...Ling immediately goes into a scream that I thought was Ally until I saw Ally looking at her. Ling promises to wait until he's finished with Ally's mother. Ally wears a huge green shawl that says, "After naptime can I get extra cookies?" She tells Ling that her parents are working it out. Georgia and Ally exchange cat talk for a few seconds as Georgia leaves. Richard walks up to Ally as she tries to say she's sorry to hear about his break-up. She pretends to forget Ling's name, as if she hasn't been thinking about cunni-Ling-us for three weeks. Richard gives the "for the best" blah-blahs, and then tries to finger Ally's wattle. You'll need a microscope to find flesh on that girl, Fish boy. Georgia leans in to tell Richard that she quits. He asks if they can talk about it or if she'll just sleep on it for one night. She agrees to wait one evening. Elaine walks out of the stall as Georgia walks out of the Unisex and Richard tells Elaine to have Georgia's locks changed tonight so she can't steal any files. Elaine asks when she can tell everyone and Fish smacks her on the rear end and says she can tell everyone when he says she can. Elaine looks at the camera and shouts, "I got an extra minute of screen time if I let him smack my ass. I think it's worth it, don't you?" Then she shimmies off. Ally pinches Richard somewhere near his nipple as she leaves.

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Ally McBeal




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