Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally whined about her birthdays, annoyed all the viewers, and never realized that her yearly shtick was irritating and not at all cute.
Ally sleeps as the alarm clock speaks to her. It tells her to wake up because it's her birthday and her eggs are drying up. Ally gets up and looks into the mirror. There's a horrifying CGI effect that enables her to stretch out the skin of her cheeks and scare the hell out of my kids. Renee perks in. Ally announces that it's time for her first facelift. Renee says, "You don't look a day over forty!" and Ally reacts by destroying part of the bathroom. God, please don't ever let me become that obsessed about my age. Please. Oh, and thanks for keeping me from hallucinating my neuroses. Amen.
Morning meeting. Richard asks about Ally's absence. Mark informs him that she "called in older." You know, as opposed to having called in sick. Nelle pouts about the party the firm was planning to throw for Ally's birthday. Richard remarks that Nelle's too happy, and that he wants to meet her "computer date." The only thing I can glean from this exchange is that Nelle never had orgasms with John. Next thing we know, John's standing and saying, "Next up, Dale vs Hobey." Richard expresses surprise. John points out that he has just as much right to run the meeting as Richard has. "First up" and "next up" are Richard's sayings, though. The heads of the associates whip back and forth with accompanying bamboo-swish sounds throughout this pettiness. John lets Richard continue. Mr. Dale is suing Dr. Hobey for a nose job gone wrong. Richard assigns John and Nelle to the case, but John doesn't want to take it. Guess why. He has a "thing" about noses. He was traumatized by a teacher with a big nose and...oh, shut up, John. Richard argues with him. John ends up yelling that senior partners are entitled to "go out and eat waffles" instead of working all the time. He gets the case anyway, though.
Some woman is in Larry's office, bitching him out. Apparently she's there to interview for the position of associate. You can tell because she's all irritated and inquisitive about the lack of rooms in his firm. She wants to know if the "waiting room" would be her office because, if so, she doesn't want the job. Larry tries to get words in edgewise but fails. The woman starts to leave. Larry says he'd already hired her in his mind. The woman is suspicious. Sting walks in and says that he's looking for Larry Paul. The woman asks Larry if he's trying to impress her. Sting has a "bit of a legal crisis," he says. The woman says she'll start a file. Oh, ha, ha, she's easily swayed by the presence of a celebrity. So funny, except for the part where it's not funny at all because it fails to elicit as much as a smile from anyone in the whole freaking world.