Ally McBeal
Cloudy Skies, Chance Of Parade

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Cameo Cavalcade

Vonda fails at an arpeggio as Ally smears her index finger over her lips and recalls one of her first meetings with Larry, in which he told her the cold, hard truth about her boyfriend-at-the-time not wanting to marry her. The CGI baby -- GOD, I HATE THIS SHOW -- pushes a CGI cannon into the room. Ally argues with him and he shoots her, and then she wakes up from her nap on the couch. Why can't she just go shopping and spend too much on herself like a normal person would?

Conference room. The surgeon, with the use of his laptop and some 3D modeling program I've never seen, shows what Harold Dole's nose was supposed to look like after surgery. Even the model of Mr. Dole on the monitor is wearing too much freaking makeup. Nelle says that Mr. Dole's real nose is bigger than the prototype. "You asked for Barbra Streisand," says that surgeon. "You gave me Karl Malden!" says Mr. Dole. Arguing ensues while John stutters, makes rude comments, and says, "Poop." We learn that the nose can't be redone. Then the surgeon says that the nose is what Harold wanted, and that his complaint is about something else altogether. Isn't it, Harold? Harold stomps out of the room, leaving us all not to give a shit about whatever secret he's hiding from Nelle and John.

Elaine and Jackson rehearse the song they're apparently planning to sing for Ally's birthday party. "This isn't even a duet, and it's not hot," Jackson says several times. It is pretty flaky. I think the song is called "The Wonder of You." It has plenty of "wah-oohs" in the background. Jackson leaves the room when it's time for his verse, but Elaine happily sings it for him. Oh, Elaine, you're such a ham -- when you're not some other piece of meat on this show, that is.

Conference room. Louis, his wife Melissa, and "Not Comfortable" meet with Larry and Sting. Louis says that Sting was obviously singing to Melissa at the concert. Sting tells Melissa, "Madam, I don't even know you." Melissa/Cheri Oteri says, "You know my heart -- you sang to it," in the same voice that she used for half her characters on SNL. Louis says that Sting sang "We'll Be Together" and looked straight at Melissa. He cranks on his boom box and imitates the way Sting allegedly "wooed" Melissa on the stage. It's pretty funny because Paul Reubens is always funny.

Nelle's office. She advises Harold to settle. He doesn't want to. She asks what the big secret is. Harold confesses that his boyfriend broke up with him after the surgery, but says it wasn't because of the botched nose job. It was because Harold went so far as to alter his looks for the sake of his obsession with performing. Nelle asks whether Harold's "blaming the heartache on the nose." Harold says that the nose is just wrong. Then he intones, "I have to sing, Ms. Porter. This is who I am," as the piano swells. Nelle leans forward and asks gently yet firmly, "Did you tell him that?" Oh, shut up, the both of youse. What the hell is this -- a movie on Lifetime?

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Ally McBeal

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