Ally McBeal
Do You Wanna Dance?

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
Do You Wanna Dance?

In his office, Ally warns John that Nelle could sue him for sexual harrassment. "Oh, let her try," rants John. "You know what she is, Ally? And I've never used this word to describe any other woman..." Hmm. Let me guess. Is she... a poopface? No, wait, I know! A stinky butt? No, for real, it must be witch. What? What's that you say? You think it's "bitch?" Dude! No way! Yes, it's true that we've heard that word on the show before, but that was only for women who deserved it from men who were lovably wacky or suffering from brain tumors. There's no way John, the sensitive one who's learned so much wisdom from all the difficulties in his life, would use such a word to describe a woman! There's no way UNLESS the woman in question was so vile - so heinous... it'd have to be a really horrible, evil person. Is Nelle that bad? Well, consider her actions this season. She's criticized John, broken up with him, and objected to his use of prostitutes. AND she bears a vague resemblance to Michelle Pfeiffer. BURN THAT BITCH AT THE STAKE! Ally reiterates that John's behavior is against the law. "Balls the law!" yells John. Yeah! PENIS the law, darn it! Penis that icy bitch!

In court, Ally flirts with the lawyer for the defense. She stares at him, sucking her thick pen and running it over her lower lip. He's some guy we haven't seen before. He warrants a Vonda song and a record-scratching sound. He appears to enjoy Ally's disgusting attentions. Oh, and meanwhile, Mark's working the case.

Ally, Renee, and Georgia have cappuccinos. Check this out: Ally thinks the defense lawyer is her cyber-lover. How does she know? Well, it's the way he looked at her. Oh, and he used her "e-mail name" in his questioning. Whatever. Renee keeps trying to blurt out the racier parts of the story to Georgia. Ally keeps pinching her, causing her to moan "Ow!" Georgia's only part is to smile and ask some lame question while sitting under the yellow helmet that is her hair this episode. Ally protests against the idea of telling this lawyer, "I beg your pardon, but did you touch yourself last night with me in mind while reading my e-mails?" Good point, Ally. You should just do him in the car wash instead. Ally says she'll email him again and "demand him to meet me [sic]."

Nelle asks Richard why he hasn't made her a partner. He says he crunched the numbers and discovered that it wasn't feasible. "Splitting the pie in half" leaves him with more money than he'd get if they split it in thirds. He busts out actual pie charts and a pointer. "See? MORE... LESS..." he points and instructs. This kind of cracks me up. Richard gives a speech about how giving away money makes leaders look like fools. "There will be consequences for this, Richard," promises Nelle.

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Ally McBeal




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