Ally McBeal
Do You Wanna Dance?

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
Do You Wanna Dance?

Ally runs into the other courtroom, where Mark is questioning Mrs. Hanks, Adulteress. He starts freaking out and yelling at her about the "death do you part" and all that, and Judge Seymour has to hush him up. Out in the hall, Ally asks what his trauma is. She's wearing the same funky jacket from the day before, of course, because she slept in it in her cell. Mark says he's trying to illicit some anger from the jury. Ally cuts him off and asks what his personal problem is. Ling interrupts to tell them she's bored. "Then go, then, Ling. Ally's back," grates Mark. "That hurt my feelings," monotones Ling, who then leaves, leaving me to wonder if that was supposed to be funny. Mark stalks off as Selig strolls up and asks Ally to take him up on the coffee. Ally says she has a probable-cause hearing. "Not your own, I hope," says Selig all witty-like. "Oh, who told you?" fumes Ally McDumbAss. She tries to play it off at first, saying it's "like a parking ticket." She eventually stammers out the humiliating truth. "I really am innocent," she finishes. Selig just nods.

At Ally's hearing, John asks her how old Chris claimed to be in his e-mails. Ally answers "thirty-three" and then John asks how old she claimed to be. She doesn't want to answer but Judge K makes her. When Ally says twenty-five, Her Honor snorts, "Please!" Ally glares at her from the stand. Then we get thirty-seven thousand hours of testimony during which the mike gives feedback every time Ally says the word sex. In a shout-out to Wing Chun and Sars, it's revealed that Thunder Thighs told Lover Lips his fave show was Dawson's Creek.

Ally goes into Mark's office and finds him staring out his window. He says he's working on his closing. She asks again why he "started railing on that woman like that." He reiterates his excuse about tapping the jury's outrage. It's his strategy, he says. She criticizes and he says her judgment's probably clouded because she's on trial for statutory rape, meow, meow. "What was the strategy with that remark?" Ally asks him. He apologizes. Then he changes tactics. "Would you ever want to..." he starts, walking closer to her. Then, instead of asking her out, he asks if she'd "ever want to do the closing." I guess seeing her close-up changed his mind. Ally's all, "Huh?" and Mark says he's just gonna work on his submission. She leaves his office with a sigh and he looks fraught. Mark, honey, you can do better than that. I know you have that thing going on with your two front teeth, but still... Ally McBeal? Go for the gold, or at least for the brass. Go for Elaine. Or Renee. Or bisexual Judge Hammond. Anyone but Ally. Don't fall into the gap! You can do better!

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Ally McBeal




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