Ally McBeal
Falling Up

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Gwen: C- | Grade It Now!
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A door's shut, a window's open; the house still stinks.
I say, if you're going to do a show as annoying as Ally McBeal, make each episode annoying right off the bat. Don't tease us. Don't make us think that maybe this episode will be funny -- that maybe this week something in the hour will touch our hearts. Show us, before the opening credits even roll, what we're in for. Give us a bitter first taste of what you're made of. That way, when we choose to sit on our lazy asses for a whole hour and watch your tripe anyway, we'll have no one but ourselves to blame.

Ally creeps into Renee's bedroom late at night, seeking emotional comfort in the bed of her busty buddy. She curls up next to Jackson, who is curled up next to Renee, en deshabille. Upon realizing what's occurred, Ally and Jackson noisily jump out of the bed. Jackson quickly pulls the bedclothes in front of his nether regions, but not before Ally spies said regions and exclaims the Lord's name in vain. Renee, in an unflattering peach satin ensemble, angrily ushers her friend out of the room. Ally, all the while, stares at Jackson's now-sheathed pelvis with her mouth agape. "I didn't know you..." she says. "Get out! GET OUT!" Renee says in return. Nightingale Vonda's soothing melody issues forth as North America's gentle television audience settles back for a masterful comedy of errors.

"I can't believe it!" Renee says after the commercial break. I think she's going to bitch out Ally for horning in on her Jackson action. Instead, she says she can't believe that she slept with Jackson on their first date. Ally listens, trying a couple of times to turn the conversation to her own unbelievable sex life. Renee perseveres, though, and tells about how his hand slid down ("backal," not frontal) and led to the night Ally interrupted. She frets because Jackson left, saying he had "an early morning." She worries that she'll never hear from him again because she made a mistake by sleeping with him so soon. I wonder how she expected him to stay with Ally eyeing his crotch all over the place. I resign myself to yet another stupid men-are-from-Mars / David-E.-Kelley-is-from-Uranus subplot. Yes, yes, we know. Renee should have been magical, mysterious, and neurotic like Ally so that Jackson would pine after her. Instead, she destroyed her chances at that all-important happiness with a man by showing the man that she lusts. You should have taken a cold shower and let him come to you, Renee. You should have bought new batteries for your vibrator and waited. He'll never love and respect you now, you slut! Especially...especially...Okay, I'm not normally one to criticize people's teeth -- you all know that -- but have Renee's two front teeth always been that much bigger than all her others? Is the gap between them getting bigger? I only ask because that might mean that she has a cavity behind them. I speak from experience. She should get that looked at.

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Ally McBeal

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