Ally McBeal
Falling Up

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A door's shut, a window's open; the house still stinks.

At the morning meeting, Richard comments that Fish & Cage is becoming a niche firm specializing in annulments. Ally sits by Jackson and the two of them feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable as well because when I stopped my VCR to type those last two sentences, I saw Bebe Neuworth singing a Broadway song on PBS. My television set's incompetent antenna kept me from figuring out whether her dress was completely see-through or just mostly see-through. It distracted and disturbed me, much like Ally McBeal does on a weekly basis. John explains that Mr. Bennett wants his marriage with Ms. Clapp annulled because she refuses to become a parent. Nelle goes off on the absent Mr. Bennett. John, who desperately needs a haircut, responds sarcastically. Richard ascertains that Mr. Bennett is rich, a fact which likely plays a part in his desire for an annulment instead of divorce. I become interested in these issues and then I'm slapped in the face by an Ally Hallucination Moment. The tinkly magical music plays as Larry appears in Richard's place and says that it'd be different if the couple had a child. Ally smiles beatifically, jumps up and hugs him. Of course she's really hugging Richard, who says that he appreciates the "eager-beaver vulgarism." Ally hits him and leaves the meeting room. Why, oh why, hasn't she been fired yet? Ally careens into the lobby, telling Elaine that she needs some fresh air. Then she hallucinates falling down the elevator shaft. Okay, why did that have to be fake? I'm sick of the teasing, damn it!

While I was typing up that scene, I was forced to watch some old guy sing a disgustingly annoying song about Gigi on the brink of womanhood. Then I saw Chita Rivera skipping in a see-through dress of her own. Now Julie Andrews or Sandy Duncan or somebody is cavorting with shirtless men in sailor hats. That's it. No more PBS for me today. I can't take Broadway has-beens and Ally McBeal at the same time. Oh, shit. Now they're showing Robert Goulet. That's it! No more! Move, fingers! Change the channel, why don't you!

Ally sits in an office with a terse therapist played by Rhea Perlman. After quickly assessing the state of the union between Larry and Ally, Rhea advises Ally to end the relationship.

Mr. Bennett, who looks like the guy who used to play Caroline's boyfriend on Caroline in the City (not that I ever watched that show) testifies that he and his wife picked out baby names while they were dating. He says that their meeting of the minds rested on the supposition that they'd have children someday. Ms. Clapp's lawyer, who is played by Wallace Shawn of Clueless and The Princess Bride fame, objects to this manipulative testimony. Judge Seymore Walsh probably wishes he were elsewhere as John makes faces and the this-is-supposed-to-be-funny music plays.

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Ally McBeal

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