Ally McBeal
Falling Up

Episode Report Card
Gwen: C- | Grade It Now!
A door's shut, a window's open; the house still stinks.

In the Unisex, Jackson asks Ling how well she knows Renee. Ling surprises me by not taking the opportunity to say something bitchy. Jackson informs her that they'll be at The Bar that night, and that Renee will sing. Ling and the oboe are sad as he leaves. Poor Ling. It must be hard to suffer through something like that with a guy you had sex with once, several years ago, and whose real name you didn't even know.

Ms. Clapp testifies that the world is overpopulated. Wallace Shawn asks why she, specifically, didn't want to have children. Ms. Clapp says that she didn't feel equipped to have them because she was so involved with her own life and her career. I look at her triple-strand necklace of huge silver beads and realize that it's true -- she really doesn't need to be breeding. Just kidding. John rudely questions Ms. Clapp and shakes his fist at her. "What kind of person doesn't want to have children?" he asks. He accuses her of waiting to announce her decision until she "qualified for alimony." Melanie, who has quietly entered the courtroom, tics "Pipsqueak!" John says, "Repugnant," looking in Melanie's direction. Then they both scream. Shut up, John. You're such a dork.

A long commercial break ensues, causing me to realize that the show is only half over. I sigh. An hour or so later, I'm back from the grocery store and I still don't want to re-watch the last half. It's cold and raining outside and I want to curl up on my bed with the phone and idly flip through the Sunday paper's sale flyers. Either that or I want to put on my shoes and drive to the antiques shops, where I could look for an attractive yet cheap coffee table. Either that or I want to paint the picture frames I bought so I can hang all my cool pictures. I think of all these things and sigh again, hating Ally McBeal more than ever.

Ally babbles to Fred Willard about her hallucinations, one of which included a nun talking about birth control. Fred Willard tells her that she wants to marry Larry and bear his children, but that she knows it'll never happen. I hate that phrase: "bear his children." Even though I have three children of my own and I love them very much, I hate the idea that giving birth is something women do to show how much they love the guys they've been having sex with. "Honey, I decided to totally change my life by passing a human being through my pelvis because I just want you to know how much I worship your big, manly penis. I hope that's okay with you. You want a boy? Okay, I'll try my best!" Oops...was I starting to sound like the Ally McBeal writers there? Sorry. If I suck my fingers and punch you in the gut, will you like me again? Okay. Thanks.

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Ally McBeal




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