Ally McBeal
Falling Up

Episode Report Card
Gwen: C- | Grade It Now!
A door's shut, a window's open; the house still stinks.

In his closing, John rhapsodizes about the solemn, joyful purpose that is getting married in order to start a family. Melanie yells "Poop!" and throws him off track. Wallace Shawn makes the excellent point that we don't grant annulments to couples when infertility keeps them from having kids. John is irritated because he is a loser.

We hear the Wicked Witch theme from The Wizard of Oz as Ling walks into the F&C lobby. Then we continue to hear it as John stomps by with his stupid pouty face on. He finds Melanie in his office. They both scream and shoot their arms out, and in the still frame on which I've paused my video, it looks like they're greeting Hitler. The two of them argue and tic unfunnily. They insult each other's quirks rudely. "Great, run over me then," John says. I really wish she would, though. He says that a future with someone who doesn't believe in marriage or having children is rather bleak. Melanie silently storms out the door. That was good, Melanie. Now if you could just keep from coming back, my job would be considerably more palatable.

At The Bar, one of the Vondettes sings. I think about how so many white singers are backed by trios of black women. Several of the Fish & Cagers are sitting around watching the show. Elaine announces that Renee and Jackson are performing a duet next. Ling expresses surprise. Elaine says that when two people sing together, they're "doing it." We get a shot of Nelle with her hair half wet. Either that or she's wearing way too much gel. John runs in and asks to speak with Ally, saying that it's an emergency. Out on the sidewalk, he asks if she wants to have children at one point. Ally does a supposed-to-be-comical rant about her therapists that falls flat. John whines about Melanie. Ally assures him that Melanie will eventually come around because the idea of conceiving a child with someone she loves will make her change her mind. Sure. Everyone knows that any woman in love -- TRUE love -- automatically wants to have children, right? It's only natural. It's Nature's way. What kind of evil, cold-hearted, unnatural, ice-queen bitch wouldn't want to have children to prove her love? The kind that should be burned on a stake, of course.

Renee and Jackson sing that Aretha Franklin song "Until You Come Back." They sound really good, too. I'm not just saying that because I love that song, either. Elaine is sure that the two of them are having sex. Ling sulks and snaps at Elaine, prompting sadly suspicious looks from Richard. Elaine smiles at Ling and her face's...I guess it's supposed to be sweaty, but instead it looks like someone smeared egg whites all over it. In fact, I'm really sorry to be even grosser than the show itself by saying this, but it looks like semen. She looks like one of the women in those pop-up ads that you sometimes accidentally see when you're looking for sites about cute Japanese comics. You know -- the ads that say "XXX! CUM SEE OUR HOT SLUTS GET FACIALS!!!" I'm sorry, but she does, and I don't think it was by accident. Ally whines and everyone ignores her. Elaine mops at her face and tells Mark that she wants him to do a number with her. Richard breaks my heart with his sad faces. Then he test-taunts Ling, saying that Renee and Jackson are "definitely Biblical." Ling snaps at him to be quiet. "Sure. Mark, can you pass the feminine napkins, please?" Richard says. "Quiet!" Ling grits. Everyone gets silent and tense. Renee's butt and Jackson's crotch grind together like a mortar and pestle. Ling gets up and leaves the table. Richard deserves to come to my house, where I will cook him a nice meal. Ally fingers her chin thoughtfully, but she probably isn't thinking anything interesting. I need to buy that Aretha Franklin album, because that song really made the scene worth replaying a few times.

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Ally McBeal




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