Ally McBeal
Friends And Lovers

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Here We Go Again (And Again)

John enters Fish's office. Ally loves me, he says. Loves you? Loves me. The music swells. It's still not hilarious.

Another new day, another aerial shot of Boston. And, unfortunately, more "singing." Vonda bleats, "I think I'm going out of my heee-aaaad." Ally chews her finger. Vonda? We know. Everyone knows. JennyAlly comes in, interrupting the "reverie," and reminds Ally about court. Right, that! That thing!

Fish and GQ Glenn parade through the office. Glenn wants to split, as to not move in on JennyAlly's turf. Fish fast-talks him into believing that it isn't up to him to decide -- or, rather, that his decision has already been made and he's staying. The other new girl -- Coretta -- tells Glenn to give it a week. Fish is all, yeah, that's a good idea, and I don't even pay her what I pay you. You know the notion that DEK loves women? I think the opposite is true.

Ally and JennyAlly are late to court. No, they're not. Yes, they are. Some older man says hello to JennyAlly. It's the dude from her old firm who fired her. "Not fired -- we just had a situation, dear," he says. He patronizes her some more by saying he hopes that she will run her own law firm someday and understand the fincial stresses. Sure he does. JennyAlly sees the other lawyer who is arguing her old firm's side and gets even more psyched out. Yeah, nice to meet you! The dudes leave; JennyAlly says she noticed that Ally "checked [her] outfit" after meeting the other lawyer, which means she is hot for him. JennyAlly does the same thing. Ally doesn't deny it.

Cage and Fish are still talking. Were they there all night? Fish didn't know about Cage's feelings. Neither did Cage! This is --how you say? -- sad. When Cage heard Ally say she loved him, that's when Cage knew. And why won't he just make a move? "Ally is riddled with emotional deficits! One thing she can't fathom is being loved by a worthy other." WE KNOW. Cage says that by pursuing Ally, he'll render himself non-desirable. He can either seem "deficient in her lake-like eyes" by "declaring his fancy," or just remain loved by afar. See, this shit -- and the visual tics of this show, and the music, and most of the stuntcasting -- is what I hate most about this show. The truly sick relationship stuff, and then all the other stuff is what I hate. Fish is all, "Do what you have to do, then," which is exactly what I would say when I mean, "Shut up and get out of my office, you sad twat." Fish gives more advice about Cage making himself "accessible" by dropping "hints," even though the odds of Ally liking Cage are, "hello." Yeah. How scary is it that I'm indentifying with Fish? I'll be a recapper casualty before the second episode if this keeps up.

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Ally McBeal

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