Ally McBeal
Friends And Lovers

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
Here We Go Again (And Again)

Court. Ally and JennyAlly can say "oh please" at the same time, and finish each other's sentences. Is it okay if I skip over the legalese? Oh, okay. The old firm thinks that they are conflicted in pursuing the telemarketing case, since one of the plantiffs was an old client, and zzzz. Ally gets mad when the lawyer she's hot for misremembers her name. JennyAlly calls him a "dink." The judge is like, JennyAlly is still on the case, see you in court tomorrow. The gavel goes "blam."

Why is every shot of Boston a freaking aerial shot? I'd be pissed, if I lived there. You know, come on down to the street once in a while, DEK? What are you, scared? Anyway. They're in the bar now. Four bespectacled dorks are singing. JennyAlly and Glenn are dancing, Ally, John, and Richard are drinking. Me? Drinking. Ally says they should keep JennyAlly because she's a "fighter." But what about the Glenn stuff? Cage is all, "Friends can be lovers, and lovers friends. Maybe one day that'll be in the cards for you, Ally." Fish chokes on his whiskey twice. Me too.

And we're back on the couch. Again. Some more. Ally says someone is "after [her]," but she doesn't know who. El Shrinkador asks if it could be JennyAlly, "lesbionically." Dude, I would so be out the DOOR if a doctor ever said that to me. After I picked myself off the floor, where I would have collapsed with laughter at the phrase "lesbionically." "Lesbionic" sounds like the Six Million Dollar Woman's life partner. Anyway, who's after Ally? Hmm? Who could it be? The boy? The doc asks for Ally's hand, then goes off: First, it was an older woman that made him a man, he says. Then, he tells Ally that she will meet a "perfect mate," marry him, then try to change him. Thirty years later, she'll look across the table at her changed, idiosyncrasy-free guy, and say, "You're not the man I married!" His point is that "young men are trainable. It's the woman that makes the man." DEK, you are scaring me.

Another day, another aerial shot of Boston. Ally's on the couch, in a Prada top. What, does she buy therapy time like I buy blocks of yoga classes? You know, in bulk, months at a time? She says she thinks his man-fixing theory is wrong, and "not what we should look for in relationships." But that's what we do, he says. Ally is all, nooo, bad, wrong. The doc asks for her hand again, and then says he's going to tell her a secret. She leans in conspiratorially. "If [her] desire for him is sexual, and only sexual, [she] should go to [herself] with him in mind." Hee! I like that. "Go to yourself." It works with all genders! But please, god, spare me an Ally masturbation scene. I wonder if she even knows how. No, I take it back. I don't want to know.

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Ally McBeal




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