Ally McBeal
Heat Wave

Episode Report Card
Pamie: D | Grade It Now!
Heat Wave

Hey, Dave, I knew you could put "penis" in another episode. Go, David! Go, David! It's your penis! Go, David! Hey Dave, I have a request. Since this season is the "penis" season, can next season be the "scrotum" season? People don't say "scrotum" enough on network television, and I think it would really help in the spring sweeps. I mean, it's not like I'm asking you to say, "vulva" or anything. You could probably get away with more boy parts. Ooh, here's one. Next time, can Ally say something like, "I don't know, what's vas deferens? The difference! I mean, the difference!" Let me know. Thanks. Iron Eagle asks if Ally came back for a wax. Ally swipes his rag as she teeth-shouts, "Look, don't flatter yourself, you weren't that good." If that's true I wish she'd SHUT UP. But he knows she's a little tiny liar because Reesa told him what Ally told her at the wedding. Remember? Does everybody remember the first episode? Let's just show it now, shall we? Anyway, Ally starts stammering around about why she told Reesa that and then she starts rubbing the car with the cloth she took from Iron Eagle. If I were Iron Eagle I probably would have stopped her at this point and shouted, "Do you mind not wiping the Mercedes with the tire rag? I just spent fifteen minutes cleaning this thing." But he's interested in what Ally has to say because of some supposed "chemistry" we're supposed to buy into and she tells him that Reesa said he touched her like he didn't know what he was doing. He's amazed at this statement and has to repeat it. Ally tells him to "get over it," so I guess she was reading her messages from the world and figured they were for somebody else. Iron Eagle won't get over it because of the woman he loved, yada, yada, yada. He asks why Ally is there again and she keeps rubbing the car as she stammers out that she was wondering if he would have testified that the marriage would voice...cutesy look...rub the car...cue the wacky oboe.

John tells Richard not to worry as they lie on the ground just like those kids do on Sesame Street when they make the letter "I." They discuss whether Ling would leave Richard just because she wasn't getting any orgasms. John tells him not to worry about it, and that he shouldn't be so concerned about Ling's orgasms. Richard asks if Nelle always has an orgasm and John says he isn't sure. She makes little "ooh, ooh" noises and once she screamed, but it was because a bee had stung her. John decides that Nelle probably isn't into orgasms anyway because she likes control. Ling, of course, is standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips sorry that she ever brought it up. Cue sound of piano crashing as Richard and John sit upright. Ling says that they are being pathetic because they are sitting there debating about "five seconds." Five seconds is how long "the big 'o' lasts, sometimes six." And she can't believe they are spending so much time and energy on five seconds and some muscle groups. She says she's sorry she hurt Richard's feelings, but that's why she wants him to go off the Viagra so they can start being a normal couple again and "do it during the commercial breaks." She flounces off. MEN: THIS IS DAVID E. KELLEY'S FANTASY WORLD. DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THIS ADVICE. WOMEN WANT SEX. WE WANT LOTS OF SEX. If you grab me during an episode of Law & Order and expect me to be done before Chris Noth grabs a "perp," then you are sorely mistaken, mister. I've never met Mr. Kelley, but I assume that he's like that guy in high school who always brought his lunch in a greasy paper bag and was like, "Oh, yeah, I know lots of girls. I got them all figured out. They totally want you to ignore them, and when they do come on to you, it's best to sleep with their best friend so that they can get all jealous. They like fighting over men. Oh, and they really like it when you twist their nipples really hard and see how far you can put your tongue down their throats. Take it from me, man. I got them bitches figured out."

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Ally McBeal




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