Ally McBeal
Home Again

Episode Report Card
Gwen: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Horndoggedness Failing Us All

John corrects Richard's numerous legal malapropisms and tells Richard that he shouldn't be practicing law without adult supervision. Richard hangs up on John after Nicole, Jane's bikini-clad roommate, walks in. Nicole would be passably attractive without the nose ring, brow ring, fucked-up hairdo, and drugged-out attitude. Plus, she's a semi-outie, and I'm not down with that. Either be an innie or an outie, people, but don't try to ride the fence about it. Richard makes penis-y remarks to Nicole. She tells Jane that he's funny, but then adds in a slightly lowered voice that he's old. Jane says, "Shut up!" like any besotted twelve-year-old would. Richard makes one of his goofy faces -- which are actually cute and/or funny, unlike those of most of the rest of the cast.

John stands in front of the mirror in his office and preens to his favorite Barry White song played at high speed. Ally walks in and makes the face she always does when someone else does something weird, as if she never hallucinates or screams for no reason. John says something unfunny. Ally sports a sleeveless top, which has been designed to wrinkle above her breasts as if her breasts are any wider around than the rest of her torso. She babbles to John about her fear that Larry will dump her, and I see that the armholes of her top are too small. She goes on and on, rolling her eyes in horror-movie fashion, and I wonder if she's spent some time in the tanning booth lately. She looks all smoothed out this week. Maybe it's body makeup.

At the local ice cream parlor, Helena and Larry discuss the omen that was or was not the mistaken blueberry cobbler. Larry frets about the folly of marriage in general. Helena asks the waiter for a canister of whipped cream. There are waiters at ice cream parlors? They give customers whole cans of whipped cream? For some contrived reason, Helena squirts whipped cream onto her finger and then smears it on Larry's nose.

John and Ally walk down the sidewalk, and you know they have to be on the way to the ice cream place, right? Ally babbles about sugar highs and "gooey" sundaes. I hate the word "gooey" when used to describe food that the speaker likes. No -- that's incorrect. I hate the word in any case. Outside the parlor window, Ally spies Helena dabbing whipped cream all over Larry's face. She walks in with her customary murderous look of public violence in her eyes. Larry casually introduces Helena as his ex-wife, and then greets John. Ally asks what they're talking about over ice cream. They say, "Nothing." She says great, then maybe Larry can talk under it, instead. She dumps his bowl on his head while the comedic music thumps. The other parlor patrons gleefully watch as Ally dumps Helena's bowl on Larry's head, too. If I hadn't already hated Ally eons ago, this scene would have changed my mind. Like everything else on this show, her rude behavior is taken way beyond too far when she pours hot fudge on Larry and then shoots whipped cream all over his face. Larry does nothing. Still wanna marry this bitch, buddy? Ally leaves with John in her wake. "She seems nice," says Helena, and Larry agrees that she's a real sweetheart. I'm sorry that Robert Downey Jr. and Gail O'Grady had to appear in this scene.

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Ally McBeal

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