Ally McBeal
Home Again

Episode Report Card
Gwen: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Horndoggedness Failing Us All

John is in his office wearing a headset and waiting to receive Richard's transmissions. On easels along one wall are blown-up, foam-board mounted photographs of Richard and other people -- the kinds of photographs that cost nine dollars per square foot to make. I know this is supposed to be farcical, though, so I'll move on. The case starts out okay, but then Richard repeats a remark of John's that he's not supposed to repeat. Then John asks Richard to buy some time with a nose whistle while he thinks. Richard instead says, "Your honor, Martin Luther King once said, 'I have a dream,' and he climbed that mountain with Abraham Lincoln..." John manages to save Richard by making his inanities flow into a meaningful argument. Then a phone-sex operator cuts into their line and they get cut off. Richard is on his own. He asks the judge whether he reads the legal language printed on the backs of his parking tickets and such. The judge scolds him, saying that a lawyer should know what a contract is. He says that Richard is acting like a layperson who doesn't know any better. "Exactly, Your Honor," says Richard. "Jane Wilco is simply a layperson who didn't know any better." He points out that Maximum had legal counsel and Jane didn't. Okay, yeah, we know he's gonna win the case. Enough, Gwen. Quit recapping every last detail.

Larry and Ally talk in one of their offices. He explains that he was meeting Helena at the ice cream parlor to talk about Ally. She is skeptical. He says what we all heard him say in the promos -- that he's failed as a husband and a father and that the biggest lie of all would be to promise that he'd never fail again. Yeah, he has a point there. I mean, I'll agree with anything he says if it gets him away from that harpy Ally. He walks off as Vonda sings some trite crap.

Ally walks home in her ugly plaid trench coat. Then she has wine with Renee and tells her that Larry's gone. "I'm gonna get a note," she foresees. Okay, could you please hurry up and get it, then? I thought this episode was ending five minutes ago.

It's the next day, and Ally's walking down the sidewalk again. She hallucinates herself pushing a baby carriage, then crashes into her mother, played by Jill Clayburgh. Her mom hugs her as she cries. I cry a little, too, because I feel sorry for Jill Clayburgh for not having anything better to do.

The judge voids Jane's contract. She hugs Richard and asks how she can thank him. "Uh, sex?" he says. She tells him that he didn't fly all the way out for sex -- he did it because he's a nice person. She wants to go out and do the Hustle. He says his flight's leaving at 2 PM. She tries to coax him to stay, since he left early last time. "Last time it was wise. This time it's necessary," he says, as if that means something that makes sense. I guess random, nonsensical break-up speeches are contagious.

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Ally McBeal

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